Question:

Hello,

I really hope you can help me solve this seeming unsolvable problem. Between two friends of mine.

My friend and her ex-boyfriend. Had a break-up five months ago. The reason he broke-up with her, was due to the fact she had friends finding “dirt” on him. There was no dirt to be found, but his girlfriend eventually started asking numerous questions about it, causing way too many unnecessary fights and arguments. Which in turn cause unnecessary stress.

This boy, my friend’s ex-boyfriend, says he cared very much about her. He realized just how much she meant, when things started to go wrong. He tried almost everything to stop the arguments and fights, but due to several others on the sideline telling his girlfriend(my friend), otherwise, things weren’t able to be fixed.  Even as they tried to be friends several times after the breakup, arguments and fights would still happen, they gave up.

Shortly after, a month or two, She moved across country. I don’t believe a real chance was given to being in a relationship or being friends again.

To me it honestly seems he doesn’t want to let her go. As I’m a friend of his ex. I recently just started talking to him, about a month ago, other friends of his ex are talking to him also, trying to convince him to be friends with her again, including me. People continue to ask him questions and try to convince him, all he says is “no, I don’t care, its going to take a lot more to convince me, I’m stubborn it will never happen, if you can break my stubbornness maybe it will happen, etc etc.”. If he doesn’t want to be her friend, and he knows we definitely are going to try and convince him to be her friend again, why doesn’t he just block all of us?

His reasons and answers change from day to day. He has admitted a lot of things. He even realizes he was wrong during the relationship in some spots. He is an extremely stubborn person, he “blocks” his emotions as he says, and also purposely “forgets” things. I know for a fact he wants to be her friend again. Why is he being this way, what can I say or do to get him to realize that he shouldn’t throw away a friendship of four years.

Not too long ago, about a week or two, his ex girlfriend (my friend) was in an accident. Last night I received a phone call from her, she is fine. I had purposely posted an offline message to him, saying “she had died”. I might have been wrong for doing that, but it’s the only way to get this man to open his eyes and release a little bit of his stubbornness. I then signed on a few hours later and I received a message from him right away as I signed on, asking me if it was really true.

Can you make any sense out of this situation? What can I do to help him see, he’s being stupid and him being stubborn isn’t necessary at all? He hints to all of us that he wants to be convinced, why is this?

 
Answer from Len:

My dear Adam* (*name changed to protect questionner’s & his friends’ privacy) ,

you’re not going to like this answer (at first), but try to keep an open mind anyway and read all of it. I promise you it will save you from more trouble in the future.

First & Foremost: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

None of this relationship is any of your business. No one has elected you counsel, and yet here you are talking about it and even trying to “fix” it as if it’s somehow yours. It’s between your friends and they are fully capable of making their own decisions. It’s obvious there was a lack of trust between them before, and as it is said, “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.”

Given your intense interest in this situation, your actions, and even your temporary lie to your friend that his ex has died, I can tell you that you are being controlling and manipulative. You are doing it all under the “innocent” pretense that you care about your friends, but really, this is about YOU and your emotions.

Sweetheart, we all have shadows, and we all need healing. You really need to ask yourself why, instead of thinking about your own life, you are choosing to try to control someone else’s.
Your friend is not the stubborn one and he isn’t the one who can’t deal with his emotions- in fact, YOU ARE! When a person has trouble dealing with their own emotions, they tend to attach to other people’s problems. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

Please look into your own issues. There are many things in your own life that you are not dealing with and should. You are presently using your friends to ignore your own problems. Leave your friends alone because they know what’s best for them and have taken the right actions for them.

In addition, look into your own romantic history or current love life. It’s very likely that you are really projecting your own romantic feelings and regrets onto your friend. It’s even likely that you have a secret crush on one (or both) of your friends, and are too afraid to admit it to yourself, so you try to fix their relationship instead.

This reminds me of a small example of this in the movie “The Wedding Planner”. The character that Jennifer Lopez played had an insightful story about how her former best girlfriend was being a little too helpful and caring with all her (Jen’s) wedding details. Turns out, her girlfriend was in love with Jen’s fiancee!

There is a “selfish” reason why you are so intensely interested in this relationship. That reason may be a different one, but it exists. Find it!

Dig deep and be brave, because this is about you. Your question is all about you. Should you accept my challenge, you will learn something new about yourself and be liberated.

I’m glad you wrote because many people are doing exactly the same thing you are, and they need to read this.

I hope that someday soon, when you have really learned from this and soul-searched, you will share my advice with others.

Kisses,
LEN SONE
certified Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com

QUESTION:

Hello, my name is Paola and I’m 19 years old.
Recently I’ve accepted that I have been living my life in a completely wrong way and I can’t change it to the way I want. I hope you can help me! My problem is that I’m TOO COMPLICATED. It makes me suffer because I think over and over things that aren’t worth it. I have a very good life; I like what I study, I love my boyfriend (and he as a person is everything I could wish for), I have a nice family which supports me in every aspect and have hardly any conflicts with them, I have good friends, I like myself, etc. But, although at certain moments I feel absolutely happy with everything I have… most of the time I just forget it! And get lost in silly things. I’m sure I can be more than happy with everything I have, in fact, at times I really am happy (it’s not like I WANT anything else or want changes… I really do like my life) BUT I don’t know why I just can’t feel it. I’m a very sensible person and immediately feel bad about things; I easily get angry, offended, sad, worried. But with happiness it works the other way around, it’s there but I can hardly feel it.  It’s not like I’m being silly or “blocked” because, as you see, I really think about how fortunate I am (and I know I really am!), I even write things down and then read them to help me feel better… and it works sometimes, but it requires an effort. (For example now after writing this I can tell you surely with a smile on my face: I am happy!)   I sometimes think this is because maybe I just think things too much (and I can’t help it), or maybe because I’m just naturally depressive or something like that… I don’t understand. And it’s a problem for me because I’m afraid I might lose people I appreciate (by complicating with little problems) and also sometimes feel unable to demonstrate other people how special they are to me… It would only feel natural to me to do it if they are dying, if they are breaking up with me… in extreme situations (and I know that is SO WRONG of me) So, in conclusion, my question is: How can I really appreciate things in life and learn to be happy about them naturally? (Is this possible?) I know I can work on it, but can it be something natural? I mean, will my immediate reactions someday reflect what I really should feel(for example joy instead of… worry) ?    I’m sorry if this was too long. Thank you very much for reading! Good bye, have a nice day.
Paola.

ANSWER:

Dear Paola,

I appreciate your question and wish I could talk to you in person, because I know I would be able to help you with more precision.

You can absolutely be happy (there is nothing wrong with you at all), but that doesn’t mean settling for the mediocre. It’s wonderful to appreciate the good things in your life and be grateful, but it’s also natural and necessary for each person to want to grow and to fulfill their FULL potential.

The feeling that I am getting Paola is that you are not yet at your full potential, and deep down you know this! You feel guilty for wanting more because all your friends and family think that you should be happy with what you have. Even you are telling yourself that you live a good life and should not want more.

But deep down, you know there are these desires in your heart that you aren’t living yet. There is so much more to you! Life is huge, amazing, magical, and worth exploring! So are you! Maybe you want to travel to far away places and discover new worlds. Maybe you want to live differently than your family and friends. Maybe there is a whole set of talents and abilities in you that you haven’t discovered yet. I think it’s all of the above.

There is no shame in wanting something different or better, even if what you have is by most people’s standards great.  There have been many great men and women in history who gave up everything they had, even though they had cushy lives, because they wanted to discover more of themselves and the world. The result was that, in addition to achieving their full potential, they ended up revolutionizing their societies and evolving the human consciousness.

You have to get out there, into the unknown, to discover what’s calling you. You may not know what you want now, but your heart is telling you that there is more out there for you. Things you’ve never experienced before. This is what pioneers and explorers do. They are usually not satisfied with the ordinary, no matter how good in other people’s eyes.

Paola, I strongly suggest that you allow yourself to feel your negative feelings and allow yourself to want more out of life. Ask the universe to show you what you need to do next and look for signs. Follow your heart. Don’t worry about what others will think of you. They may think you are crazy to make certain changes, but their opinion doesn’t matter at all.

My heart tells me that you are ready for the next level! I think you are one of those special humans who is here to discover new things, and you are bored with your current life. Just admit it and start looking for new adventures. Take classes that call you, read about explorers, make new friends who think outside of the box or who have travelled more extensively to places you’ve never been to. These things will inspire you and challenge you to grow.

“Complicated” is a negative word for “complex”. Being complex implies that you are above average, able to do what others cannot. Paola, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just meant to do great things.

In my own life, when I was in my early twenties, my peers often used to say to me, “you think too much” and “you over-analyze.” The truth was that they just didn’t understand me because I’m a very deep thinker and I can focus for hours and hours on many aspects and layers and possible interpretations of one issue. Most people cannot. I now use this ability in my work with clients, which makes me very VERY good at what I do, so it helps my clients, and it also makes me great money and I love doing it! The same is true for you. Your complexity is your gift! You just need to find a way to use it in a way that excites you.

The world needs you, so don’t keep yourself small.

I’d like to leave you with these two quotes.

“Throw away the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  -MARK TWAIN

“Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.” – ROBERT KENNEDY

I wish you great success sweetheart!

Kisses,
Len Sone
certified Life Coach

http://kissesandhearts.com

“Personal coaching with kisses and hearts”

This article was a response to a young woman who wanted some advice on her weight issue, but the principles work for anyone who wants to change their body in any way. Enjoy!

——

You have the absolute ability to create any kind of body you wish. Any kind! It’s supposed to be easy and natural.

Your imagination is key to this work. In order to become something new, you must first visualize it until it becomes so comfortable and easy in your mind that your body simply must follow. Tape that last sentence onto your fridge or notebook, because you’ll need a daily reminder.

Is there a celebrity or a certain person in your life that you think has the perfect body?

In your imagination, see yourself slipping into this perfect body, as if you were inside their body. If it helps, you can ask this person for permission and tell them how grateful you are that they will be helping you. The truth is, you haven’t been inside a slim body for a long time, maybe never, so you really need help in imagining what that feels like. In this sense, slim people will soon become your new best friends because they are the ones who know what it feels like to be slim! So stop being resentful of them and start seeing them as helpful and wise friends on your path to beauty and happiness.

Once inside this body, see how you would stand, walk, move your arms, talk and handle yourself. Relax and don’t try to force anything; simply observe what insights come to you. Each day new insights will come, and you will feel more and more comfortable in this new body. As time goes by, you may want to make changes to this body or choose a new one to fit your own ideal. Be as unlimited as possible. Let your imagination roam free, knowing that you are shape-shifting into your ideal self.

Keep affirming that you are light, and practice being light even in your current body, almost as if you are floating through space.

As for physical action, don’t worry about what to do. Eat anything that feels good to you, and if you ever feel inspired to try something new, do it. But only if it feels really good to you. Don’t do anything just because you think you need to do it to get slim. Chances are that you will at some point feel suddenly more attracted to natural foods and some type of fun exercise that’s perfect for your body/personality, but let this happen naturally. Affirm that you trust your body and that your body will tell you what you need.

The only thing I will recommend is that you drink a lot of water. And I mean a LOT. That goes for everyone who wants their body to be healthy. Water is actually necessary for transformation (mental, emotional, and physical) so drink lots and lots of water. Also breathe deeply. Water and breathing are the only two essentials as far as “food” goes.

Remember, visualize yourself in a slim and beautiful body every day. Create happy fantasies of what your life will be like once you are slim. Perhaps your family being so proud of you, or guys/gals checking you out and thinking you’re GORGEOUS!

Have fun with this because creation is meant to be fun. Don’t give up. Your new body already exists and it is waiting for you to become a vibrational match to it!

#15:  This is the number of feminine magic. I see it as pink, hot pink in fact (see below). It is romantic, and it’s a number of making things happen with your feminine side and is great for manifesting things with love. This number is very warm, very playful and loving. K&H promotes this energy; #15 is very present here and it is my Attitude Number as well (add your birth day to your birth month to get your Attitude Number) . This number, #15, is the number of BLISS. Use it and be blissed out!

#8: This is the number of success in your career. People who have many 8s in their birthdate (like August 8, 2008) were born to win. This number is dark blue (see below). If you’re having 8s following you around, it means you’re being blessed abundantly! Think “money, opportunities, success”.

You can use these energies by putting the number(s) in your wallet, on your door, anywhere you wish.

A fellow life coach (who lives in MA) recently emailed me with this question, and here was my quick reply. Thought I would post it here for whomever it might help. There’s so much more I can write about this subject, but it’s up to you reader to poke me with more questions!

ANSWER:

Yup, tons of advice! In fact, I was thinking of creating a “Get Clients 101″ class as a third in my series, but you caught me in the middle of my “Find Your Passion” class, which is the first in series.

It’s actually a good question, because I’m paying close attention to it right now. What I’ve learned so far, and these are big topics in and of themselves that I can expand on endlessly:

A. You need to have a big website, a big web presence if you want that to be your getting-clients avenue. Coaches and other healers usually have that 4 page website deal, and guess what, no one is attracted to that because the whole website can be read in 10 minutes or less. You need to be able to get a visitor to spend hours on your site, and reason to keep coming back.
[Making a website and being an observer are so different. It may take you a month to make something, and only an hour for the visitor to see it ALL, but always put yourself in their shoes for a realistic check.]

B. SEO is actually very important. Another big topic I can teach you, but very simply, SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization, and once you understand how it works and you fix your website to use it, your searchability on web spikes. Most healers tend to be totally lost in the sense that search engines wouldn’t find them even if you entered their name, and that’s not good at all.

C. You can’t be just a “life coach”. And you can’t be just a “holistic life coach” either. Why? Because there are so many out there, that it’s becoming ridiculous. You may think you have it hard in MA in terms of the population, but actually the ratio “coach to new age client” is the same I’d say.
What I’m getting at is that it really helps if you figure out a title or brand or something for yourself that makes you different and special. Some people say to find your niche market, but I think it’s more about being smart about branding yourself. 

(Additional note: What I really wanted to say here was this: Always create things in your life around yourself, not yourself around other things. It drives me nuts when people say to choose your audience. Don’t. Figure out who you are (this will change all the time) first, then let the right audience choose you. It’s what STARS do!)

D. Use your strengths and your authentic interests. Don’t do anything that isn’t fun for you in order to get clients. It’s so not necessary because LofA will find a way to make it work for YOU in the path of least resistance ie. most joy. This last advice is the most important and totally overrules A-C. My advice is what I have observed and discovered helped me and those careers I try to emulate in some way, but you may have a very different path where, say, you don’t even need a website. Jesus didn’t, haha, so you know… obviously, keep asking yourself how you like to work with people. I tend to like working in my PJs so I’m web-inclined.

E. This goes with D and addresses WHERE to market yourself. What I have discovered with the web, and I’m sure it’s the same in physical settings, is that the free sites I thought would help me a LOT, like Craigslist, really didn’t, but that clients come from the strangest and various places at strange and various times. I believe that the word of mouth is that mysterious and best free way to get clients. The best way to market yourself properly through other websites really requires lots of money, something we healers usually don’t have at the beginning of our careers. But if you do have money, then it’s easy. Google advertising, ads on other popular PD sites, magazines, etc etc. I’m assuming your question was partly financially motivated, in which case you don’t have the thousands of dollars to pay for advertising.
But you know what, I am always on the lookout for those free “unicorn” websites where one would (not could, but would) get tons of clients, so if that comes up, I’ll let you know (and vice versa please!!!).

Added note: I have heard that Gary Craig’s EFT website is one such website if he selects your EFT article. Supposedly after that, people are knocking on your proverbial door in large numbers. But is it true? Haven’t tested it yet. I do believe those “unicorn websites” exist, but they are different for everyone. Follow Your Bliss and you’ll find out what yours are.

I hope this helped you!

Mystical Unicorn

You deserve to be treated as first rate.

What do you think that means,” being treated as first rate”?

We need to learn how to treat ourselves as first rate. We need to believe that we are first rate.

Affirmation: It doesn’t get any better than me.

There is no one who is more deserving than me.

I deserve love, attention, money, beauty, success, as much as anyone else. I have as much of an access to these things as anyone else.

I am worthy of everything that I desire, and my ability to get it is as big as anyone else’s.

We often look at people we think are more successful than us, and believe that this success was meant for them but not us. Not so! Take a stand! Start treating yourself as first rate!