You’re about to work with me and you’re wondering how to prepare.
Here are the 3 questions to answer.
1. Who are you secretly jealous of?
2. What are you secretly afraid of?
3. What is your biggest obstacle?
These questions will open your mind to your innermost desires and weaknesses.
I am so excited to hear your answers! 
Have you ever considered life coaching but thought it was too expensive? It is expensive, and that’s because having a life coach is a luxury. Some of the biggest names in all industries have their own life coaches. These people are already good at what they do, so why do they hire coaches? Because they want that extra push, inspiration, or support when times get tough.
Friends and lovers are great to have, but have you ever noticed that sometimes they are actually the least likely to see your greatness? They are too close to you, and they see you for who you are NOW. My job is to see you in the grandest vision so I can help you get there.
My question to you is: Who do you want to be in 1 year? In 5 years?
Invest in yourself. Even if money is tight. Come meet the person you want to be.
Kisses,
Len Sone
This article is meant for Abers but others may be able to understand/follow it as well.
?
Dear Len,
my dream burns bright within me. I have followed the energy of what excites me vibrationally via focuswheel-ing and appreciation lists (my 2 fave processes) and today got a very specific idea in my imagination. At first I felt “this is it” and was so happy and excited, but then I started to feel major anxiety about it. What is up with that? X, Amy*
ANSWER:?
Dearest Amy* (and fellow Aber),
You’re a true wizard! You’re not an ‘action slut’ but a deliberate creator. What an honor! It is a small # of people who understand that. You have been able to comprehend something that not many people do, even the ones who go on and on about Law of Attraction but don’t truly accept that it’s entirely an emotional/thought journey. That’s Wisdom, and wisdom is a huge accomplishment! So, *BIG APPLAUSE*!!!!!
?
Now, about the issue at hand: you must continue the focuswheel+appreciation process! Here’s why.
You’re uncomfortable because you’re not stable yet. You are VERY close but not quite there vibrationally.
If you remember Abraham’s emotional scale, you are now in ‘overwhelment’ and “impatience”. Yes, you felt great joy briefly, but that is not your overall vibration. Basically, you got in the vortex and then it spit you out. So, still some work to do. And not much because overwhelment is pretty darn close vibrationally to joy.
First, back up a little bit. Come back to things you have under control now. Feel the comfort of things you’re already good at. Beat that drum until you feel confident again. There is no hurry, and this won’t take long.
Confidence is what’s lacking here, so think about whatever makes you confident now. Start with small things, easy things. “I can make pancakes. I have a nice bathroom.” Anything that makes you feel good and proud.
From your new confident vantage point, you’ll see the whole situation more clearly. Maybe that specific idea is actually not IT but it had many of the wanted elements. Or maybe it is IT but now you’ll be able to see it in a new light, and as something you can truly belong to, without intimidation. It all becomes clearer when you are in THE VORTEX.
Your IB is in the perfect reality, the total answer to your asking. So it really doesn’t matter if that specific thing is it or not. Because, you can get to the perfect match. The only reason why you are now attached to that specific thing is because you want your desire to happen ASAP and you fear that it will take forever to come up with another idea. Don’t think of it that way. Keep returning to the knowing that you want to attract what’s already in your Vortex. It’s not a case of someone needing to give you something. It’s a case of following your own bread crumbs to your own creation. As you know from Abraham, the thing you want is being held for you indefinitely. So in other words, you can’t miss the bus. That’s important because, as i wrote, you are tempted to jump the gun a bit. And, I really want you to know that you don’t need to fear losing the manifestation. It will wait for YOU. You are going to get what you want!
Get back in the vortex. Things will get clearer and then, boom- manifestation. And don’t hold on to that specific thing too tightly because what your IB has planned for you may be 10x better. One thing you can trust in is that your IB adores you. So trust Her creation.
You are VERY Very close.
Love,
Len
This is a long one folks, but well worth the read! – Len
QUESTION:
Dear Ms. Sone,
I apologize in advance for unloading an essay of my problems on you. I am 16 years
old, and I am going to enter my final year of high school this coming fall. High school
is a time of growth, it is a time we will always look back on, and I deeply fear I am
always going to look back on this set of 4 years with regret. I feel like I’ve become an
extremely stupid, selfish, and lazy person.
To begin with, I have been set as the overachiever since I was a child. Always getting
grades at the top of the class, always getting special attention from the teacher not by
kissing up, but by turning in excellent work. This was the person I was when I entered
high school in 9th grade. Oh how I wish I could turn back time to that first day I set
foot on this high school.
Without realizing it before it was too late, I have slowly and steadily become everything
that I hate. Laziness… I increasingly developed a problem of procrastination of
laziness starting my sophomore year. The procrastination finally caught up with me
the first semester of junior year, and it happened… I got two B+’s. I completely lost
my status as valedictorian. Now this may not sound like the end of the world. In fact,
to me personally, it does not matter. But I have immense, shameful guilt for it because
my parents have given the WORLD to me my entire life. Academics was the only thing
they ever asked for, and I failed them. And I can’t look back proudly on this because I
didn’t fail after trying my best. I failed because I was stupid and lazy. Similarly my dad
has spent hundreds on SAT prep books. I could have completed them, but no, I
procrastinated. My dad would have been so happy with a 2200. I got a 2090. Was it
my best? No. I was lazy. I remember something my favorite actress, Audrey Hepburn,
said, something about how you should always try your best so you could look back
and be satisfied at simply that, no matter how badly you did. Here is my mom who has
developed arthritis from working so hard for me, here is my dad who has never truly
experienced joy since he left Vietnam, and I am just this ungrateful little wench who
lost my chance to give back to them. The teachers who labeled me as future Stanford,
future Harvard, future doctor in 9th grade; now they look at me with a forced smile.
My grade was 93% instead of the 106% they saw, my tests had a sprinkle of B’s and
even C’s when the old Kelly* simply did not accept anything below an A. Naive young
Kelly*, she had the nerve to complain about the pressure of maintaing these grades.
Now I would have anything to put that dedication back. I have irresponsibly
procrastinated by driver’s license (starting it now when I should have last year), my
subject SAT’s (which I will cram in October of next year).
I wonder if it is all this disappointment in my academic work that yields this part of the
story.. I have become such a jealous person with a superiority complex. I never
express it, it’s just these terrible thoughts that I’m horrified go through my head. I feel
so stupid when someone knows something ahead of me becuase I was too lazy/busy
procrastinating to find out about it myself. I am SO jealous of those who have retained
their valedictorian status. I envy those who have finished their SATs with high scores,
who have done all the right things in high school, have become presidents in clubs
when I didn’t bother researching you’re supposed to have good leadership in high
school instead of jumping around clubs with no fixed dedication to any one…
Let’s not forget my friends… I had a permanent set in middle school. It started with a
few, and we kept picking up others, and eventually we reached a group of 6 who
always ate lunch together, always had get-togethers. In high school, our interests
began to diverge; we barely maintained the same activities and hobbies anymore.
However, that didn’t stop each and every one of them from continuing to sit at the
same lunch spot together every day. Each and every one… but me. I had another set of
friends and one day I just shamelessly moved on to sit with them. I figured if I just say
hi to the old groupie we’d still be connected, I figured our group would splinter
anyway since we were all different people… But no. I completely and unreasonably
deserted my old friends who had never done anything to wrong me. I suppose I miss
them, I mean they don’t hate me, there’s just this overwhelming guilt for that… In
second grade my favorite rhyme was “New friends are silver and old are gold.” What
happened to that? How could I ever be so stupid?
And there are all these horrid little things too. My parents are not very materialistic so
I never got them anything for mother’s or father’s day or their birthdays. They never
said anything either, they didnt’ care but GOD couldn’t I have done something? I am
their daughter! I have lied to them, I have had a boyfriend and not told them even
though my mom would fully support it, I have deceived them so many times for my
selfish reasons to spend time with my friends or other silly things like that. I love my
family so much and I hate being this selfish, spoiled brat who hasn’t shown an ounce
of gratitude. Why can’t I be the valedictorian who has her two best friends forever, the
one who is president in two clubs along with a role in ASB office, the one who is the
wonderful person everyone looks up to..?
I was raised so much better than this. Here I am. I lost my worth ethic, my academic
status, the only gift I could give to my parents, and my old friends. I have betrayed my
teachers and my parents and my old friends. I’m sorry for any errors and wordiness
you might have found in this whole thing, I simply could not bring myself to read back
on it… I just hate myself so much for all these things in my life. I can’t find the will to
forgive myself.
ANSWER:
My Dear Kelly*, (*name changed for privacy)
There’s a lot here for us to discuss.
Important lesson: Procrastination is just a sign that you don’t really love something. If you loved it, if it was truly exciting to you, then there would be no procrastinating. You’d be clamoring to do it and no one could drag you away. Every time you force yourself to do something just so you can get a good grade or please those teachers or parents… well, the A certainly feels good, but what have you really achieved with it? You are just going along with their beliefs and expectations, and not following your heart.
So kudos to you for procrastinating! That’s a good sign. It’s a sign that even though you are burdened with other’s expectations of you, as well as your own, your wild heart isn’t squelched yet. Yay. Your heart (the genuine you) is still functioning and saying “Meh. That’s boring. Not for me.” Procrastination is a very important skill in life to have, except the more confident you become, it turns into “No, I’m not doing this and I don’t care what others will think!” Which is the secret to happiness, actually.
What is not a secret anymore is that the most successful people didn’t have good grades. Not that there’s anything wrong with academia, but that myth that teachers and parents tell you (or imply) that your success in life depends on your grades and the name of your college – so ridiculously not true and a total manipulation of your mind making you their little slave! Read the book “The Millionaire Mind” if you don’t believe me. Also, look at your own celebrity heroes- you’ll be pressed to find many who got good grades across the board. I’m sure you know Einstein hated school. He said, and I quote, “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” And “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” I couldn’t agree with him more.
But here’s something a little deeper I want to talk to you about: your desperate need to work hard in school ie. overachieve, and guilt when you don’t, is really just about your low self-esteem. I think you’ve had that low self esteem for quite a while, and good grades were/are a quick fix, very much like an addiction.
When you have a high self-esteem, you know you’re amazing no matter what. Good grades, horrible grades, happy parents, unhappy parents, good hair day, bad hair day, whatever, it doesn’t change the way you see yourself. But for you, the high of getting that A… doesn’t it make you feel less crappy, like you know who you are, you’re smart and productive and loved? I know it does. I used to be the same way, believe me. It’s all just a big cover-up, like makeup, trying to hide behind A’s that you don’t think much of yourself at all. Without the top-of-the-class persona, you don’t know who you are. And that’s what really scares you – being a “nobody”.
The deal is: You’re not nobody; clearly you’re somebody. But, you don’t know who you are. You need to find that one out and there are no shortcuts. You’re currently in self-discovery-mode, and like most of your peers, will be for quite a few years and then forever. Think of it as an adventure, not a race, where you’ll keep redefining yourself every few years.
***[SideNote: You may want to get my ebook "Find Your Passion" which is a 3-week lesson+exercise material, and will help you start forming some ideas about what excites you. It costs $15. Shoot me an email if you want it: lensone@gmail.com]
You got some Bs, you procrastinated on stuff you didn’t love (like the much hated SATs), you lied and changed friends (who doesn’t?), and so you’re calling yourself “selfish, stupid, lazy”. Yikes! This is some brutal and very critical inner voice you have. It may disguise itself as your friend, but it is not. A healthy self-esteem says, “I’m alright even if my grades/friends/etc suck. In fact, I’m proud of my bad grades. I’m creative and wild and independent. No one owns me except me. I love me.” That is self-worth! It’s actually a blessing that you didn’t do so well in high-school grade-wise because you exposed your inner demons, and now you can get to work on establishing true self-worth in your senior year. Be dedicated to that.
So how do you raise your self-esteem? The best way is to start doing things that you love, genuinely love, and stop forcing yourself to do things you don’t. When you love a subject, you tend to do well in it easily. No force, no hard work. Hard work will only get you physical illness. I’m not saying you won’t put a lot of effort in your work, but it will feel like fun and time will pass by quickly. You know, one of those, “can’t believe it’s already 6pm. It seems like noon was 5 minutes ago”. Your passion may very well be in academics, but it probably won’t be in every single academic subject. Or maybe your passion is elsewhere, not even in school. Being a true scholar doesn’t require one to be in school, but it does require love of knowledge in some field. Think about that. Anyway, when you do the stuff you love without judgement, you know who you are. You are the one who is doing that fun thing and being really happy. You don’t need some fake and firm definition of self because you’re in Joy.
And I know it’s sometimes hard to do that when you are 16 because your parents and teachers are so convincing. But you’re a big girl now and you get to choose what to believe. I believe in you. Your “essay” shows you’re intelligent and have great potential to find your own path. Whatever you choose to be passionate about, I know you’ll do great in it and make us all proud. Just don’t burden yourself with unrealistic expectations. And work on your self-esteem. Seriously, if there is a subject in life you want to get an A on, it’s your self-esteem. Nothing matters more.
Make college and studying fun. Don’t make it about grades. Choose a major you can enjoy. Choose a school you can enjoy. Choose friends and dates you can enjoy. Never mind about what others deem appropriate or prestigious. Just because you like to change your mind often doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Life is all about experimentation and evolution. In the great scheme of things, there is no finish line. You’ll change your friends again and again, and sometimes you won’t even have any. It’s all good! Celebrate life!
Lastly, about your parents: their happiness or the roles they have assigned you are not your responsibilities. So be honest with them about your future plans- perhaps that you won’t be very studious anymore or whatever it may be- but keep being responsible only for your own happiness and roles you wish to play. I’m sure that much of your guilt comes from the way you have been raised, but in truth, you’re not here to be the perfect daughter or student or at the top of your class grade-wise. Who will you become? The decision is yours. Thank your parents for their previous support, but realize that they were doing it for selfish reasons as well: they wanted a daughter who is a good student so they made choices based on that. They are not perfect nor as noble as you may think. Same goes for your teachers. So, from now on, be clearer about what YOU want, and then be clear with them. Your new honest independence will take some getting used to, but the whole family will benefit in the longrun.
Hope this helped you sweetheart!
Kisses,
Len Sone
Self-Empowerment Expert and Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com
QUESTION:
Dear Len!
I am a petroleum engineer from Afghanistan now in Canada, I came to Canada as a skilled worker ,because I wanted to escape the Islamic totalatarian regime in Afghanistan,I am 34 yrs old man and i have a life ,where everything seemed to against me, being non-practicing person, member of human right org,s the pressure/fear and last my mothher passed away when i was coming to Canada.
I have lived life that didn’t give me a chance to polish myself back home.
Now in Canada, I would like to start a new life, free from anxiety,,fear and apprehension but my past painful memories deprive me of that. It is a known fact if someone is subject to anxiety and dperession , his/her mental capibilities shrink.
I have problem in focusing , paying attentionn, that’s why I score poor in my school, I have started my schooling in Canada to up-grade my skills.
I would like to improve my brain function, focus, attention.
Otherwise i may not be able to get job, if if i am not that technically sound.
Please provide me some advice that could help me in becomig technically sound and my brain start functioning sharpely.In this materialistic a sharp person has more chances to get a job and to progress.
Thanks
ANSWER:
Dear Bob* ,
my sage advice in one word: RELAX!
We are all taught that our work situation depends on our skills and talents, our mental capacity, but that just isn’t true. The only thing that really matters in our finances and career is our vibration. When we’re happy and having fun, everything in our life works. When we worry, nothing does. Law of Attraction is THE LAW to pay attention to.
And the thing is, you’re worrying a lot! You’re worrying about the past, about your work, your school…. and about your worrying. That means that your vibration is very low, which means that you’re attracting many negative things in your life, because like attracts like.
The only thing you need to improve is your vibration, and the only way to do that is to decide to relax, have fun and let worries go.
Let your mantra be: More fun, less worry. More fun, less worry. More fun, less worry.
Make a list of things you enjoy doing for fun and do them more often. Watch movies, play soccer, read poetry, sleep, whatever is fun and easy for you. When a negative thought arises, let God (the Universe) handle it. The old wise saying, “Let go and let God” really works wonders for someone like you, someone who has been worrying a lot. It’s time for you to step aside and let go of trying to manage everything.
If you don’t believe me, try it out for a month. Simply make your only job to have fun, and let the universe take care of the rest. You will become happier, your vibration will rise, and as a result, you will be attracting better situations including better jobs and more money. And it will all come to you easily.
Another thing to think about is whether you even enjoy your work as a petroleum engineer. If you don’t, change it into a career you can really love. You are still very young, and you are beginning a NEW Life. Don’t waste it! This is your chance to create the life you always dreamed of.
Maybe in Afghanistan you couldn’t be your true self, but now you can. Now you can follow your genuine interests like, for example, taking acting classes because you always secretly wanted to be a famous actor, or business lessons because you always pictured yourself as a successful businessman. If money is short, find another way; do what you can with what you’ve got until more money comes- and it will! Let Canada be your new home and your new teacher; there’s a good reason why you moved to a different continent. CHANGE.
It would help you enormously to stop trying to act like a serious and responsible adult, and be a kid again (or maybe for the first time). Dream, nap, play, run.
Life is really fun when you let it be. But it’s your choice. The thing about life is that the stronger your intention to have fun, the more fun life becomes. It’s not an instantaneous process because YOU have to change, but life is really just a mirror of you. So if life right now seems all serious and full of pressure, it’s because You are serious and pressure yourself.
Another perk to having more fun is that it improves your brain function, focus, and attention. All the things you wanted to improve in the first place. But that’s just icing on the cake. The real gift is that you’ll be having fun!
I recommend you read “Ask and It is Given” by Abraham-Hicks. It will go more in-depth about Law of Attraction. You can also access more of my articles on my website: http://kissesandhearts.com
Finally, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde
Have fun,
Len Sone
Self-Empowerment Expert and Certified Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com
“Be Yourself! It’s the only thing you can be truly successful at.”
(*name changed for privacy)
Do you often feel like you don’t really matter???
In this free 45-min introductory session, I will work with you personally and show you how to stop being ignored. We will ignite the Dreamer inside you and open the floodgates…
Learn 5 steps to VISIBILITY:
1. Passion 2. Compatibility 3. Self-Worth 4. Visualization 5. Success
The shame of feeling like a failure haunts many people. Do you feel stuck in your old limited way of seeing yourself? I’d like to help you get unstuck and rejoin the human community with a new sense of personal power and your life purpose.
This session will jump-start your Assertiveness Training.
Be appreciated & loved …heard in all your relationships …confident in any situation!
Sign-up for the free session:
Are you embarrassed about not being important enough?
Do you usually feel like you don’t really matter???
In this free 45-min introductory session, I will work with you personally and show you how to stop being ignored. We will ignite the Dreamer inside you and open the floodgates…
Learn 5 steps to VISIBILITY:
1. Passion 2. Compatibility 3. Self-Worth 4. Visualization 5. Success
The shame of feeling like a failure haunts many people. Do you feel stuck in your old limited way of seeing yourself? I’d like to help you get unstuck and rejoin the human community with a new sense of personal power and your life purpose.
This session will jump-start your Assertiveness Training.
Be appreciated & loved …heard in all your relationships …confident in any situation!
Sign-up for the free session by emailing me at Len@KissesAndHearts.com
Next Day/Time: June 17th 6PM
I know that a lot of people may tell you that you may have some chemical deficiency and put you on some drug. However, even our body chemistry is caused by our vibration (our thoughts and emotions). To change your issue, you need to focus your thoughts in a positive direction (more on that later).
If you are familiar with the Law of Attraction, you will know that the more you think of something, the more it appears in your life. Since you have been saying over and over to yourself in the past 2 years that life appears to not be real, you have attracted even more of that mental state and experiences in your life. It doesn’t matter how it started, so don’t try to figure that out. That won’t help. What matters now is how to change that and become happy.
Since you bring up the issue of dreams and feeling like you’re wasting your life, let’s talk about your dreams! What are your dreams? What do you want to accomplish in your life? Are there any scenarios, locations, careers or hobbies that you feel called to experience? I know that you must have dreams, for we all do. And as a teenager, you must have a lot!
So, the cure for you my dear is to start thinking about your passion(s), and then DO IT. Start with baby steps, but do your best to move forward with it. Then you will find yourself really living!
[You may wish to start with a free online class I created called "Find Your Passion", which is located here: http://kissesandhearts.com/classes/free-class-find-your-passion/]
The question of “What Excites Me?” is the most important question to ask yourself.
It may help you to know that many people experience what you are now experiencing, and actually, it is a very good thing because it means that you are going through a TRANSFORMATION. Obviously for you, when you hit 15, the life you knew, as a child, started to change. What your parents live or believe is no longer enough. You are now at a stage where you are ready to define yourself!
So how do you want to define yourself? Who do you want to become? That’s what life is asking of you now, and if you follow your excitement and intuition no matter what anyone else says, you will become a very happy and empowered young man. And very quickly too!
It’s very important that you define a very clear intention for yourself. Again, something that calls you and excites you. When you have a clear positive self-defined direction in your life, you will feel much better. You’ll know where you’re headed, and it will feel magical!
You’re ok kid. Nothing’s wrong with you. Now go out there and become the person you really want to be (because that’s who you actually are)!
Lots of love to you,
Len Sone
certified Life Coach
Question:
Hi my name is Michelle *(name changed for privacy). I was in a relationship now for about 5 years. I am a very controlling person, I even went as far as abusing my boyfriend. Finally during the 3rd year he finally left. I can’t say that he was perfect because he had his issues however, my issues definitly out weighed his. I have changed some aspects about me as far as the abusing and things. However, I am still very controlling. During these 2 years that we have been separated we have tried on and off to try to work things out. I really thinks that he loves me and wants to be with me, but when he sees any sign of the controlling mose, he runs right off. I honestly cannot blame him though. I know that these things are wrong that I am doing. I have changed just not enough to sustain a healthy relationship with him. I do understand that it takes two to make a relationship work and I am not sure if he is actually meeting me half-way. However, I want to change these tendencies because I need to. I am 22 years old, and even though I can control my tendencies to a certain extent. Sometimes I can’t especially with him. I had so much built up resentment from him that I took it out in other ways. I loved him too much to leave him alone, but I was determined that I was going to control him. Now we are trying to be parents to our son and I am still letting my feeling leak out to that situation. I really need help trying to get this situation under control without controlling lol… I want this relationship to work, but I know that without showing him that I have set some of my emotions aside… it never will. And More than controlling… Its seems that I get angry so fast and the smallest thing can set me off. I need something that will calm me down and let me know that everthing doesn’t require an explosive reaction because I get so irritated. I am a very sweet person though, so I might be making this sound worse than it is but it is something that I need to get a handle on. I need to figure out when I am having these situations. can you please give me some ideas? I am really serious about learning to control the tendencies
Thank you
Michelle*
Answer:
Hello my sweet Michelle*!
fantastic question. I love working with people like you, who are abusive and controlling, and think they need to keep punishing themselves for it. I think you’ll really like my answer and it will probably surprise you!
First of all, I want to start by pointing out to you (and everyone else struggling with the same issues reading this) that you keep saying and thinking that you need to CONTROL this problem. Your “problem” is being controlling and yet you are trying to do what with it? Control it! Hehe. Do you see the vicious cycle here? You are trying to control your control, which is double control! This obviously doesn’t work because even if you succeed to suppress controlling and abusing others, you’re still being controlling (to yourself). No wonder this strategy always blows up in your face!
So let’s try something else, ok? Instead of trying to control the fact that we are controlling, let’s ALLOW and ACCEPT and WELCOME the fact that we are controlling. As you know, love is the highest frequency and it is the only thing that ever transmutes negativity. You can’t stop negativity by being negative about it, but you can start dissolving negativity by being positive or at least neutral about it. This is Energy 101.
Same logic here. Ok, so, we need to find a way to be OK about the fact that you are controlling and abusive sometimes.
How can we welcome it?
Let’s find some gifts in it.
1. People, especially women, who control and abuse, have the most potential to be very powerful, creative, and joyful. However, they currently have a lot of pain in them, so their intense energy comes out in a negative way. That same energy, coming from a happy woman, is the kind of energy that builds empires and evolves the species.
So, GIFT #1 is that your tendencies are showing that you are a very POWERFUL individual. This is something to be proud of!
2. Rage and outward abusiveness, although obviously not ideal, are still a higher vibration than complete powerlessness. Powerlessness is more accepted by our society because it is passive and people think it doesn’t hurt anyone. So, they would prefer that you just stay powerless. However, don’t get tricked into that belief. The truth is that powerlessness hurts you and others even more because those thoughts are emitted from you and create. Thoughts create! Just because you are not yelling at anyone doesn’t mean that you are not hurting the planet. I’m very serious. My point being that your current vibration is actually more helpful to everyone.
So, GIFT #2 is that you are moving in the positive direction. Your abuse is actually less abusive than suppression. Suppressing anything never works.
3. You can use this energy to create. I highly recommend getting a huge journal and just getting it all out everyday. Give yourself the permission to write, doodle, whatever, for hours, even the most horrid petty angry thoughts that you’re thinking. You do need to get it out. The more you get it out on paper, the less you’ll feel the need to get it out on your boyfriend. You can also go for a long run to get that energy out.
So, GIFT #3 is being able to use your feelings for creative expression.
4. I’ll leave this one and more for you. You should come up with your own reasons why it’s good that you are abusive. I just started you off, but you’ll come up with more reasons. The real work is in challenging your brain to see something negative as positive. This is true alchemy and the true gift in your “problem”. You are learning alchemy here! Just keep asking yourself, “What’s the gold in this? How is this actually gold?”
TRIGGERS
Now I’d like to talk to you a little bit about triggers.
When a person is controlling and abusive, it is because they have been controlled and abused and still suffering from the pain. Eckhart Tolle (who is a famous spiritual teacher) calls this our “pain-body”. It is an actual electro-magnetic field of negative energy in our bodies. Some people have a very heavy pain-body, while others not so much. Again, as I said before, this is nothing to fear, as the worse off you are, the better off you’ll be when you transmute that energy.
Now, about triggers: when these small things in your life happen that you react so strongly to, it’s not because of those things themselves. Those things are actually just little triggers that activate your whole pain-body.
The reason why I’m writing to you about pain-bodies and triggers is to help you feel less insane about your reactions. You may even want to explain this to your boyfriend. (I highly recommend getting any Eckhart Tolle’s book and reading the sections on pain-bodies.)
You just need to understand that it is all of your pain that’s being activated. You can also explain this through Law of Attraction: once someone activates a certain vibration within themselves, they attract all the thoughts and feelings on that same vibration. And not just yours even, but other people’s. So, you are NOT CRAZY! You are a perfectly sane and normal young woman who is just activating a certain vibration and happens to have a lot of pain.
GIVE YOURSELF A HUG! And give yourself a break! You are doing the best you can given how much pain you have in your body/energy-field.
But you will start dissolving your negativity by finding positive things about it. I know it sounds counter-intuitive given what we’ve been taught. Still, you know that your previous methods didn’t work. Love and acceptance, as cheesy as it sounds, are the only things that ever work. It’s energy. It’s physics.
BOYFRIEND
Lastly, just a quick word about your boyfriend. Let yourself off the hook Michelle*. He is a big boy and it is his (and only his) responsibility to take care of his well-being. He can leave anytime he wants to. So, take care of yourself and only yourself. It’s hard enough without worrying about him too. Appreciate his good qualities, focus on those, and let your work be YOU.
I realize your child may not have the same option of just walking away, but I think it is an incredible gift to watch your own mother learn to go from angry to joyful and learn all these things about personal development that you are learning. That is far more beneficial to a child than a mother who suppresses and denies, and pretends to be happy when she isn’t. Have candid conversations. Don’t be afraid to talk about your issues with your child. Children love honesty and respect complexity. The reality is that we are all children, still learning all the time. Adults don’t know it all and it will be good for both you and your kid to understand that.
Again, this is another question/issue where I think that you would benefit from working with a good life coach. It will help you to have someone on your side, guiding you along. Just don’t work with those who recommend suppression because it won’t help you. Remember the first thing we discussed: you can’t stop being controlling by controlling your tendency to control! It makes sense, doesn’t it?
I love you, and I hope you will start loving and accepting yourself! That means the good, the bad, and the ugly. In time, the dark clouds will leave you and the sun will be the only thing left.
Question: How can I let go of guilt? I feel quilty about everything. After I talked to people I would think , did I say that right, why did I say that, this goes on and on. What it the best path to stop my inner critic to alway pop out as it is really keeping me back from just livng my life. -Theta
Answer:
Dear “Theta,”
you ask a very good question. Most people have this same problem, although when you look at them, you may think they’re doing a lot better. Some truly are, but at least 80% of the population is full of critical and fearful thoughts about themselves and others. You are not alone!
Nevertheless, you do owe it to yourself to change your thinking. Your Inner Critic always comes from critical parents/family/teachers and you had absorbed their negativisms as a child. So obviously, changing the way you think isn’t going to be quick, because it took years and years, decades even, to get you to think critically. Fortunately, it will take a small fraction of that time to go back to your natural self and a loving outlook.
So, what you need to do is to develop a new loving way of talking to yourself. This new way of thinking and verbalizing will sound FAKE at first. I want you to know that so that you don’t stop practicing it. Once you practice it for a while, it will become second nature.
Considering this is the most important and valuable gift you can give to yourself, it is really worth the effort.
The “real you” totally adores and loves you. The real you (also called your Inner Being in the spiritual circles) would never ever criticize you because it knows that you are a wonderful and valuable person. You are worth as much as anyone else on the planet!
Here are some steps to help you:
1. When you criticize yourself, see if you can determine exactly who this voice comes from. You may even have an image of the person attached to the thought. I often see my mother’s image and I know that my negative thought is something she would say/think about me.
2. Once you determine who is behind a certain thought, figure out if you want to agree with them. Simply make a clear decision, “Yes, I believe they are right.” or “Nope, I choose to think this instead.”
Where most of us stumble is that our parents or teachers were truly convicted that they were right when they criticized us, but that doesn’t mean they were! See, there are many truths. As many as people on this planet. So don’t get caught up in the trap of believing that either they are right and you are wrong, or vice versa. Both people can be right! You don’t need to convince other people to agree with you in order to feel that you are right. This is where most of us go wrong. All we need to do is choose what we want to believe, and not care what anyone else has to say about it. Stay strong in your own chosen beliefs!
3. Choose the thought that feels better to you. For example, which of these two feels better to you, “I said that wrong because the person didn’t agree with me.” OR “Even though that person didn’t agree, I told him/her my truth in the moment and I’m proud of myself for that.”
4. In your alone time, start giving yourself compliments for every little thing you do. Compliment yourself for washing dishes, taking a nice bath, buying a nice blouse, whatever. Compliment yourself especially when you’re feeling down and unsure of yourself. Soothe yourself by telling yourself that you did everything right and that your life is getting better.
5. Think of the most loving angel you can imagine and say to yourself what they would say. Imitation is a great tool for beginners. An angel would tell you that they love you and all that fuzzy warm stuff. As cheesy as it may sound, this is really how all of us should talk to ourselves. This is what LOVE sounds like.
6. Meditate often. This means: sit in a quiet place, and stare at a point on the wall, having as little thought as possible. You can also close your eyes, though for beginners I recommend keeping them open and focused on something. When people close their eyes, they often start thinking! But by keeping them open and focused on something, you eliminate other thoughts more easily.
Although weird at first, meditation has been shown to equalize the right and left hemispheres of the human brain. It teaches those who practice it what peacefulness feels like. Most of us have forgotten or never experienced it because we grew up with impatient and stressed parents in cities full of insanity!
At first these changes will be something you’ll need to consciously think about and you can make it into a fun game. Within months, you will see how your new responses will become more automatic.
However, the tweaking of one’s thoughts is something we deliberate creators never stop working with. Our self-talk can always be even better.
Finally, it will help you to find a professional to support you in this process of changing your self-talk. A life coach (which is what I do) is a great asset. Life coaching isn’t therapy. We do not live in the past, but help our client get to where they want to go self-esteem and goal-wise. You will have to spend some money on this, but I believe it’s worth it because you won’t feel so alone and full of self-doubt.
I hope this has helped you, love!
