Kisses & Hearts ~ Life Coaching for Young Women

Question:

Hi my name is Michelle *(name changed for privacy). I was in a relationship now for about 5 years. I am a very controlling person, I even went as far as abusing my boyfriend. Finally during the 3rd year he finally left. I can’t say that he was perfect because he had his issues however, my issues definitly out weighed his. I have changed some aspects about me as far as the abusing and things. However, I am still very controlling. During these 2 years that we have been separated we have tried on and off to try to work things out. I really thinks that he loves me and wants to be with me, but when he sees any sign of the controlling mose, he runs right off. I honestly cannot blame him though. I know that these things are wrong that I am doing. I have changed just not enough to sustain a healthy relationship with him. I do understand that it takes two to make a relationship work and I am not sure if he is actually meeting me half-way. However, I want to change these tendencies because I need to. I am 22 years old, and even though I can control my tendencies to a certain extent. Sometimes I can’t especially with him. I had so much built up resentment from him that I took it out in other ways. I loved him too much to leave him alone, but I was determined that I was going to control him. Now we are trying to be parents to our son and I am still letting my feeling leak out to that situation. I really need help trying to get this situation under control without controlling lol… I want this relationship to work, but I know that without showing him that I have set some of my emotions aside… it never will. And More than controlling… Its seems that I get angry so fast and the smallest thing can set me off. I need something that will calm me down and let me know that everthing doesn’t require an explosive reaction because I get so irritated. I am a very sweet person though, so I might be making this sound worse than it is but it is something that I need to get a handle on. I need to figure out when I am having these situations. can you please give me some ideas? I am really serious about learning to control the tendencies

Thank you
Michelle*

Answer:

Hello my sweet Michelle*!
fantastic question. I love working with people like you, who are abusive and controlling, and think they need to keep punishing themselves for it. I think you’ll really like my answer and it will probably surprise you!
First of all, I want to start by pointing out to you (and everyone else struggling with the same issues reading this) that you keep saying and thinking that you need to CONTROL this problem. Your “problem” is being controlling and yet you are trying to do what with it? Control it! Hehe. Do you see the vicious cycle here? You are trying to control your control, which is double control! This obviously doesn’t work because even if you succeed to suppress controlling and abusing others, you’re still being controlling (to yourself). No wonder this strategy always blows up in your face!

So let’s try something else, ok? Instead of trying to control the fact that we are controlling, let’s ALLOW and ACCEPT and WELCOME the fact that we are controlling. As you know, love is the highest frequency and it is the only thing that ever transmutes negativity. You can’t stop negativity by being negative about it, but you can start dissolving negativity by being positive or at least neutral about it. This is Energy 101.

Same logic here. Ok, so, we need to find a way to be OK about the fact that you are controlling and abusive sometimes.

How can we welcome it?

Let’s find some gifts in it.

1. People, especially women, who control and abuse, have the most potential to be very powerful, creative, and joyful. However, they currently have a lot of pain in them, so their intense energy comes out in a negative way. That same energy, coming from a happy woman, is the kind of energy that builds empires and evolves the species.

So, GIFT #1 is that your tendencies are showing that you are a very POWERFUL individual. This is something to be proud of!
2. Rage and outward abusiveness, although obviously not ideal, are still a higher vibration than complete powerlessness. Powerlessness is more accepted by our society because it is passive and people think it doesn’t hurt anyone. So, they would prefer that you just stay powerless. However, don’t get tricked into that belief. The truth is that powerlessness hurts you and others even more because those thoughts are emitted from you and create. Thoughts create! Just because you are not yelling at anyone doesn’t mean that you are not hurting the planet. I’m very serious. My point being that your current vibration is actually more helpful to everyone.

So, GIFT #2 is that you are moving in the positive direction. Your abuse is actually less abusive than suppression. Suppressing anything never works.
3. You can use this energy to create. I highly recommend getting a huge journal and just getting it all out everyday. Give yourself the permission to write, doodle, whatever, for hours, even the most horrid petty angry thoughts that you’re thinking. You do need to get it out. The more you get it out on paper, the less you’ll feel the need to get it out on your boyfriend. You can also go for a long run to get that energy out.

So, GIFT #3 is being able to use your feelings for creative expression.
4. I’ll leave this one and more for you. You should come up with your own reasons why it’s good that you are abusive. I just started you off, but you’ll come up with more reasons. The real work is in challenging your brain to see something negative as positive. This is true alchemy and the true gift in your “problem”. You are learning alchemy here! Just keep asking yourself, “What’s the gold in this? How is this actually gold?”
TRIGGERS

Now I’d like to talk to you a little bit about triggers.
When a person is controlling and abusive, it is because they have been controlled and abused and still suffering from the pain. Eckhart Tolle (who is a famous spiritual teacher) calls this our “pain-body”. It is an actual electro-magnetic field of negative energy in our bodies. Some people have a very heavy pain-body, while others not so much. Again, as I said before, this is nothing to fear, as the worse off you are, the better off you’ll be when you transmute that energy.

Now, about triggers: when these small things in your life happen that you react so strongly to, it’s not because of those things themselves. Those things are actually just little triggers that activate your whole pain-body.

The reason why I’m writing to you about pain-bodies and triggers is to help you feel less insane about your reactions. You may even want to explain this to your boyfriend. (I highly recommend getting any Eckhart Tolle’s book and reading the sections on pain-bodies.)

You just need to understand that it is all of your pain that’s being activated. You can also explain this through Law of Attraction: once someone activates a certain vibration within themselves, they attract all the thoughts and feelings on that same vibration. And not just yours even, but other people’s. So, you are NOT CRAZY! You are a perfectly sane and normal young woman who is just activating a certain vibration and happens to have a lot of pain.

GIVE YOURSELF A HUG! And give yourself a break! You are doing the best you can given how much pain you have in your body/energy-field.
But you will start dissolving your negativity by finding positive things about it. I know it sounds counter-intuitive given what we’ve been taught. Still, you know that your previous methods didn’t work. Love and acceptance, as cheesy as it sounds, are the only things that ever work. It’s energy. It’s physics.

BOYFRIEND

Lastly, just a quick word about your boyfriend. Let yourself off the hook Michelle*. He is a big boy and it is his (and only his) responsibility to take care of his well-being. He can leave anytime he wants to. So, take care of yourself and only yourself. It’s hard enough without worrying about him too. Appreciate his good qualities, focus on those, and let your work be YOU.

I realize your child may not have the same option of just walking away, but I think it is an incredible gift to watch your own mother learn to go from angry to joyful and learn all these things about personal development that you are learning. That is far more beneficial to a child than a mother who suppresses and denies, and pretends to be happy when she isn’t. Have candid conversations. Don’t be afraid to talk about your issues with your child. Children love honesty and respect complexity. The reality is that we are all children, still learning all the time. Adults don’t know it all and it will be good for both you and your kid to understand that.
Again, this is another question/issue where I think that you would benefit from working with a good life coach. It will help you to have someone on your side, guiding you along. Just don’t work with those who recommend suppression because it won’t help you. Remember the first thing we discussed: you can’t stop being controlling by controlling your tendency to control! It makes sense, doesn’t it?

I love you, and I hope you will start loving and accepting yourself! That means the good, the bad, and the ugly. In time, the dark clouds will leave you and the sun will be the only thing left.