Kisses & Hearts ~ Life Coaching for Young Women

Question: How can I let go of guilt? I feel quilty about everything. After I talked to people I would think , did I say that right, why did I say that, this goes on and on. What it the best path to stop my inner critic to alway pop out as it is really keeping me back from just livng my life. -Theta

Answer:

Dear “Theta,”

you ask a very good question. Most people have this same problem, although when you look at them, you may think they’re doing a lot better. Some truly are, but at least 80% of the population is full of critical and fearful thoughts about themselves and others. You are not alone!

Nevertheless, you do owe it to yourself to change your thinking. Your Inner Critic always comes from critical parents/family/teachers and you had absorbed their negativisms as a child. So obviously, changing the way you think isn’t going to be quick, because it took years and years, decades even, to get you to think critically. Fortunately, it will take a small fraction of that time to go back to your natural self and a loving outlook.

So, what you need to do is to develop a new loving way of talking to yourself. This new way of thinking and verbalizing will sound FAKE at first. I want you to know that so that you don’t stop practicing it. Once you practice it for a while, it will become second nature.
Considering this is the most important and valuable gift you can give to yourself, it is really worth the effort.

The “real you” totally adores and loves you. The real you (also called your Inner Being in the spiritual circles) would never ever criticize you because it knows that you are a wonderful and valuable person. You are worth as much as anyone else on the planet!

Here are some steps to help you:

1. When you criticize yourself, see if you can determine exactly who this voice comes from. You may even have an image of the person attached to the thought. I often see my mother’s image and I know that my negative thought is something she would say/think about me.

2. Once you determine who is behind a certain thought, figure out if you want to agree with them. Simply make a clear decision, “Yes, I believe they are right.” or “Nope, I choose to think this instead.”
Where most of us stumble is that our parents or teachers were truly convicted that they were right when they criticized us, but that doesn’t mean they were! See, there are many truths. As many as people on this planet. So don’t get caught up in the trap of believing that either they are right and you are wrong, or vice versa. Both people can be right! You don’t need to convince other people to agree with you in order to feel that you are right. This is where most of us go wrong. All we need to do is choose what we want to believe, and not care what anyone else has to say about it. Stay strong in your own chosen beliefs!

3. Choose the thought that feels better to you. For example, which of these two feels better to you, “I said that wrong because the person didn’t agree with me.” OR “Even though that person didn’t agree, I told him/her my truth in the moment and I’m proud of myself for that.”

4. In your alone time, start giving yourself compliments for every little thing you do. Compliment yourself for washing dishes, taking a nice bath, buying a nice blouse, whatever. Compliment yourself especially when you’re feeling down and unsure of yourself. Soothe yourself by telling yourself that you did everything right and that your life is getting better.

5. Think of the most loving angel you can imagine and say to yourself what they would say. Imitation is a great tool for beginners. An angel would tell you that they love you and all that fuzzy warm stuff. As cheesy as it may sound, this is really how all of us should talk to ourselves. This is what LOVE sounds like.

6. Meditate often. This means: sit in a quiet place, and stare at a point on the wall, having as little thought as possible. You can also close your eyes, though for beginners I recommend keeping them open and focused on something. When people close their eyes, they often start thinking! But by keeping them open and focused on something, you eliminate other thoughts more easily.
Although weird at first, meditation has been shown to equalize the right and left hemispheres of the human brain. It teaches those who practice it what peacefulness feels like. Most of us have forgotten or never experienced it because we grew up with impatient and stressed parents in cities full of insanity!
At first these changes will be something you’ll need to consciously think about and you can make it into a fun game. Within months, you will see how your new responses will become more automatic.
However, the tweaking of one’s thoughts is something we deliberate creators never stop working with. Our self-talk can always be even better.

Finally, it will help you to find a professional to support you in this process of changing your self-talk. A life coach (which is what I do) is a great asset. Life coaching isn’t therapy. We do not live in the past, but help our client get to where they want to go self-esteem and goal-wise. You will have to spend some money on this, but I believe it’s worth it because you won’t feel so alone and full of self-doubt.

I hope this has helped you, love!