This is a long one folks, but well worth the read! – Len

QUESTION:

Dear Ms. Sone,

I apologize in advance for unloading an essay of my problems on you. I am 16 years
old, and I am going to enter my final year of high school this coming fall. High school
is a time of growth, it is a time we will always look back on, and I deeply fear I am
always going to look back on this set of 4 years with regret. I feel like I’ve become an
extremely stupid, selfish, and lazy person.

To begin with, I have been set as the overachiever since I was a child. Always getting
grades at the top of the class, always getting special attention from the teacher not by
kissing up, but by turning in excellent work. This was the person I was when I entered
high school in 9th grade. Oh how I wish I could turn back time to that first day I set
foot on this high school.

Without realizing it before it was too late, I have slowly and steadily become everything
that I hate. Laziness… I increasingly developed a problem of procrastination of
laziness starting my sophomore year. The procrastination finally caught up with me
the first semester of junior year, and it happened… I got two B+’s. I completely lost
my status as valedictorian. Now this may not sound like the end of the world. In fact,
to me personally, it does not matter. But I have immense, shameful guilt for it because
my parents have given the WORLD to me my entire life. Academics was the only thing
they ever asked for, and I failed them. And I can’t look back proudly on this because I
didn’t fail after trying my best. I failed because I was stupid and lazy. Similarly my dad
has spent hundreds on SAT prep books. I could have completed them, but no, I
procrastinated. My dad would have been so happy with a 2200. I got a 2090. Was it
my best? No. I was lazy. I remember something my favorite actress, Audrey Hepburn,
said, something about how you should always try your best so you could look back
and be satisfied at simply that, no matter how badly you did. Here is my mom who has
developed arthritis from working so hard for me, here is my dad who has never truly
experienced joy since he left Vietnam, and I am just this ungrateful little wench who
lost my chance to give back to them. The teachers who labeled me as future Stanford,
future Harvard, future doctor in 9th grade; now they look at me with a forced smile.
My grade was 93% instead of the 106% they saw, my tests had a sprinkle of B’s and
even C’s when the old Kelly* simply did not accept anything below an A. Naive young
Kelly*, she had the nerve to complain about the pressure of maintaing these grades.
Now I would have anything to put that dedication back. I have irresponsibly
procrastinated by driver’s license (starting it now when I should have last year), my
subject SAT’s (which I will cram in October of next year).

I wonder if it is all this disappointment in my academic work that yields this part of the
story..  I have become such a jealous person with a superiority complex. I never
express it, it’s just these terrible thoughts that I’m horrified go through my head. I feel
so stupid when someone knows something ahead of me becuase I was too lazy/busy
procrastinating to find out about it myself. I am SO jealous of those who have retained
their valedictorian status. I envy those who have finished their SATs with high scores,
who have done all the right things in high school, have become presidents in clubs
when I didn’t bother researching you’re supposed to have good leadership in high
school instead of jumping around clubs with no fixed dedication to any one…

Let’s not forget my friends… I had a permanent set in middle school. It started with a
few, and we kept picking up others, and eventually we reached a group of 6 who
always ate lunch together, always had get-togethers. In high school, our interests
began to diverge; we barely maintained the same activities and hobbies anymore.
However, that didn’t stop each and every one of them from continuing to sit at the
same lunch spot together every day. Each and every one… but me. I had another set of
friends and one day I just shamelessly moved on to sit with them. I figured if I just say
hi to the old groupie we’d still be connected, I figured our group would splinter
anyway since we were all different people… But no. I completely and unreasonably
deserted my old friends who had never done anything to wrong me. I suppose I miss
them, I mean they don’t hate me, there’s just this overwhelming guilt for that… In
second grade my favorite rhyme was “New friends are silver and old are gold.” What
happened to that? How could I ever be so stupid?

And there are all these horrid little things too. My parents are not very materialistic so
I never got them anything for mother’s or father’s day or their birthdays. They never
said anything either, they didnt’ care but GOD couldn’t I have done something? I am
their daughter! I have lied to them, I have had a boyfriend and not told them even
though my mom would fully support it, I have deceived them so many times for my
selfish reasons to spend time with my friends or other silly things like that. I love my
family so much and I hate being this selfish, spoiled brat who hasn’t shown an ounce
of gratitude. Why can’t I be the valedictorian who has her two best friends forever, the
one who is president in two clubs along with a role in ASB office, the one who is the
wonderful person everyone looks up to..?

I was raised so much better than this. Here I am. I lost my worth ethic, my academic
status, the only gift I could give to my parents, and my old friends. I have betrayed my
teachers and my parents and my old friends. I’m sorry for any errors and wordiness
you might have found in this whole thing, I simply could not bring myself to read back
on it… I just hate myself so much for all these things in my life. I can’t find the will to
forgive myself.

ANSWER:
My Dear Kelly*,     (*name changed for privacy)

There’s a lot here for us to discuss.

Important lesson: Procrastination is just a sign that you don’t really love something. If you loved it, if it was truly exciting to you, then there would be no procrastinating. You’d be clamoring to do it and no one could drag you away. Every time you force yourself to do something just so you can get a good grade or please those teachers or parents… well, the A certainly feels good, but what have you really achieved with it? You are just going along with their beliefs and expectations, and not following your heart.

So kudos to you for procrastinating! That’s a good sign. It’s a sign that even though you are burdened with other’s expectations of you, as well as your own, your wild heart isn’t squelched yet. Yay. Your heart (the genuine you) is still functioning and saying “Meh. That’s boring. Not for me.” Procrastination is a very important skill in life to have, except the more confident you become, it turns into “No, I’m not doing this and I don’t care what others will think!”  Which is the secret to happiness, actually.

What is not a secret anymore is that the most successful people didn’t have good grades. Not that there’s anything wrong with academia, but that myth that teachers and parents tell you (or imply) that your success in life depends on your grades and the name of your college – so ridiculously not true and a total manipulation of your mind making you their little slave! Read the book “The Millionaire Mind” if you don’t believe me. Also, look at your own celebrity heroes- you’ll be pressed to find many who got good grades across the board. I’m sure you know Einstein hated school. He said, and I quote, “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” And “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” I couldn’t agree with him more.

But here’s something a little deeper I want to talk to you about: your desperate need to work hard in school ie. overachieve, and guilt when you don’t, is really just about your low self-esteem. I think you’ve had that low self esteem for quite a while, and good grades were/are a quick fix, very much like an addiction.

When you have a high self-esteem, you know you’re amazing no matter what. Good grades, horrible grades, happy parents, unhappy parents, good hair day, bad hair day, whatever, it doesn’t change the way you see yourself. But for you, the high of getting that A… doesn’t it make you feel less crappy, like you know who you are, you’re smart and productive and loved? I know it does. I used to be the same way, believe me. It’s all just a big cover-up, like makeup, trying to hide behind A’s that you don’t think much of yourself at all. Without the top-of-the-class persona, you don’t know who you are. And that’s what really scares you – being a “nobody”.

The deal is: You’re not nobody; clearly you’re somebody. But, you don’t know who you are. You need to find that one out and there are no shortcuts. You’re currently in self-discovery-mode, and like most of your peers, will be for quite a few years and then forever. Think of it as an adventure, not a race, where you’ll keep redefining yourself every few years.
***[SideNote: You may want to get my ebook "Find Your Passion" which is a 3-week lesson+exercise material, and will help you start forming some ideas about what excites you. It costs $15. Shoot me an email if you want it: lensone@gmail.com]

You got some Bs, you procrastinated on stuff you didn’t love (like the much hated SATs), you lied and changed friends (who doesn’t?), and so you’re calling yourself “selfish, stupid, lazy”. Yikes! This is some brutal and very critical inner voice you have. It may disguise itself as your friend, but it is not. A healthy self-esteem says, “I’m alright even if my grades/friends/etc suck. In fact, I’m proud of my bad grades. I’m creative and wild and independent. No one owns me except me. I love me.” That is self-worth! It’s actually a blessing that you didn’t do so well in high-school grade-wise because you exposed your inner demons, and now you can get to work on establishing true self-worth in your senior year. Be dedicated to that.

So how do you raise your self-esteem? The best way is to start doing things that you love, genuinely love, and stop forcing yourself to do things you don’t. When you love a subject, you tend to do well in it easily. No force, no hard work. Hard work will only get you physical illness. I’m not saying you won’t put a lot of effort in your work, but it will feel like fun and time will pass by quickly. You know, one of those, “can’t believe it’s already 6pm. It seems like noon was 5 minutes ago”. Your passion may very well be in academics, but it probably won’t be in every single academic subject. Or maybe your passion is elsewhere, not even in school. Being a true scholar doesn’t require one to be in school, but it does require love of knowledge in some field. Think about that. Anyway, when you do the stuff you love without judgement, you know who you are. You are the one who is doing that fun thing and being really happy. You don’t need some fake and firm definition of self because you’re in Joy.

And I know it’s sometimes hard to do that when you are 16 because your parents and teachers are so convincing. But you’re a big girl now and you get to choose what to believe. I believe in you. Your “essay” shows you’re intelligent and have great potential to find your own path. Whatever you choose to be passionate about, I know you’ll do great in it and make us all proud. Just don’t burden yourself with unrealistic expectations. And work on your self-esteem. Seriously, if there is a subject in life you want to get an A on, it’s your self-esteem. Nothing matters more.

Make college and studying fun. Don’t make it about grades. Choose a major you can enjoy. Choose a school you can enjoy. Choose friends and dates you can enjoy. Never mind about what others deem appropriate or prestigious. Just because you like to change your mind often doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Life is all about experimentation and evolution. In the great scheme of things, there is no finish line. You’ll change your friends again and again, and sometimes you won’t even have any. It’s all good! Celebrate life!

Lastly, about your parents: their happiness or the roles they have assigned you are not your responsibilities. So be honest with them about your future plans- perhaps that you won’t be very studious anymore or whatever it may be- but keep being responsible only for your own happiness and roles you wish to play. I’m sure that much of your guilt comes from the way you have been raised, but in truth, you’re not here to be the perfect daughter or student or at the top of your class grade-wise. Who will you become? The decision is yours. Thank your parents for their previous support, but realize that they were doing it for selfish reasons as well: they wanted a daughter who is a good student so they made choices based on that. They are not perfect nor as noble as you may think. Same goes for your teachers. So, from now on, be clearer about what YOU want, and then be clear with them. Your new honest independence will take some getting used to, but the whole family will benefit in the longrun.

Hope this helped you sweetheart!

Kisses,
Len Sone
Self-Empowerment Expert and Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com

Question:

Hello,

I really hope you can help me solve this seeming unsolvable problem. Between two friends of mine.

My friend and her ex-boyfriend. Had a break-up five months ago. The reason he broke-up with her, was due to the fact she had friends finding “dirt” on him. There was no dirt to be found, but his girlfriend eventually started asking numerous questions about it, causing way too many unnecessary fights and arguments. Which in turn cause unnecessary stress.

This boy, my friend’s ex-boyfriend, says he cared very much about her. He realized just how much she meant, when things started to go wrong. He tried almost everything to stop the arguments and fights, but due to several others on the sideline telling his girlfriend(my friend), otherwise, things weren’t able to be fixed.  Even as they tried to be friends several times after the breakup, arguments and fights would still happen, they gave up.

Shortly after, a month or two, She moved across country. I don’t believe a real chance was given to being in a relationship or being friends again.

To me it honestly seems he doesn’t want to let her go. As I’m a friend of his ex. I recently just started talking to him, about a month ago, other friends of his ex are talking to him also, trying to convince him to be friends with her again, including me. People continue to ask him questions and try to convince him, all he says is “no, I don’t care, its going to take a lot more to convince me, I’m stubborn it will never happen, if you can break my stubbornness maybe it will happen, etc etc.”. If he doesn’t want to be her friend, and he knows we definitely are going to try and convince him to be her friend again, why doesn’t he just block all of us?

His reasons and answers change from day to day. He has admitted a lot of things. He even realizes he was wrong during the relationship in some spots. He is an extremely stubborn person, he “blocks” his emotions as he says, and also purposely “forgets” things. I know for a fact he wants to be her friend again. Why is he being this way, what can I say or do to get him to realize that he shouldn’t throw away a friendship of four years.

Not too long ago, about a week or two, his ex girlfriend (my friend) was in an accident. Last night I received a phone call from her, she is fine. I had purposely posted an offline message to him, saying “she had died”. I might have been wrong for doing that, but it’s the only way to get this man to open his eyes and release a little bit of his stubbornness. I then signed on a few hours later and I received a message from him right away as I signed on, asking me if it was really true.

Can you make any sense out of this situation? What can I do to help him see, he’s being stupid and him being stubborn isn’t necessary at all? He hints to all of us that he wants to be convinced, why is this?

 
Answer from Len:

My dear Adam* (*name changed to protect questionner’s & his friends’ privacy) ,

you’re not going to like this answer (at first), but try to keep an open mind anyway and read all of it. I promise you it will save you from more trouble in the future.

First & Foremost: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

None of this relationship is any of your business. No one has elected you counsel, and yet here you are talking about it and even trying to “fix” it as if it’s somehow yours. It’s between your friends and they are fully capable of making their own decisions. It’s obvious there was a lack of trust between them before, and as it is said, “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.”

Given your intense interest in this situation, your actions, and even your temporary lie to your friend that his ex has died, I can tell you that you are being controlling and manipulative. You are doing it all under the “innocent” pretense that you care about your friends, but really, this is about YOU and your emotions.

Sweetheart, we all have shadows, and we all need healing. You really need to ask yourself why, instead of thinking about your own life, you are choosing to try to control someone else’s.
Your friend is not the stubborn one and he isn’t the one who can’t deal with his emotions- in fact, YOU ARE! When a person has trouble dealing with their own emotions, they tend to attach to other people’s problems. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

Please look into your own issues. There are many things in your own life that you are not dealing with and should. You are presently using your friends to ignore your own problems. Leave your friends alone because they know what’s best for them and have taken the right actions for them.

In addition, look into your own romantic history or current love life. It’s very likely that you are really projecting your own romantic feelings and regrets onto your friend. It’s even likely that you have a secret crush on one (or both) of your friends, and are too afraid to admit it to yourself, so you try to fix their relationship instead.

This reminds me of a small example of this in the movie “The Wedding Planner”. The character that Jennifer Lopez played had an insightful story about how her former best girlfriend was being a little too helpful and caring with all her (Jen’s) wedding details. Turns out, her girlfriend was in love with Jen’s fiancee!

There is a “selfish” reason why you are so intensely interested in this relationship. That reason may be a different one, but it exists. Find it!

Dig deep and be brave, because this is about you. Your question is all about you. Should you accept my challenge, you will learn something new about yourself and be liberated.

I’m glad you wrote because many people are doing exactly the same thing you are, and they need to read this.

I hope that someday soon, when you have really learned from this and soul-searched, you will share my advice with others.

Kisses,
LEN SONE
certified Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com