QUESTION:

Hi.
I’m very sorry if this question is in the wrong category, but I’m honestly confused on where it should go. I just need help getting through this phase in my life. When i was 15 (I’m currently 17), my life hit a difficult and hard-to-describe phase. Ever since i was 15, it’s like my life has been a gigantic dream, but not in a good way whatsoever. It’s like i’m not here, i’m just wasting away my life. I know it might be hard to understand, but this is the best way i can describe it. My life seems like one gigantic dream. I’m not “living” my life. It’s as though Im seeing it all go by, and I can’t do one thing about it.
Could this be because of a chemical deficiency? Could this be just a teenage phase? I don’t think i could have put this on myself. I don’t do drugs, drink, or smoke, so i know that couldn’t be an answer. But please, i know it might be hard to understand, but please try to e-mail me back as soon as possible. I truly need help through this. Thank you for your time.

ANSWER:

Hi Billy (*name changed for privacy),yes, this is the right place for your question!

I know that a lot of people may tell you that you may have some chemical deficiency and put you on some drug. However, even our body chemistry is caused by our vibration (our thoughts and emotions). To change your issue, you need to focus your thoughts in a positive direction (more on that later).

If you are familiar with the Law of Attraction, you will know that the more you think of something, the more it appears in your life. Since you have been saying over and over to yourself in the past 2 years that life appears to not be real, you have attracted even more of that mental state and experiences in your life. It doesn’t matter how it started, so don’t try to figure that out. That won’t help. What matters now is how to change that and become happy.

Since you bring up the issue of dreams and feeling like you’re wasting your life, let’s talk about your dreams! What are your dreams? What do you want to accomplish in your life? Are there any scenarios, locations, careers or hobbies that you feel called to experience? I know that you must have dreams, for we all do. And as a teenager, you must have a lot!

So, the cure for you my dear is to start thinking about your passion(s), and then DO IT. Start with baby steps, but do your best to move forward with it. Then you will find yourself really living!
[You may wish to start with a free online class I created called "Find Your Passion", which is located here: http://kissesandhearts.com/classes/free-class-find-your-passion/]

The question of “What Excites Me?” is the most important question to ask yourself.

It may help you to know that many people experience what you are now experiencing, and actually, it is a very good thing because it means that you are going through a TRANSFORMATION. Obviously for you, when you hit 15, the life you knew, as a child, started to change. What your parents live or believe is no longer enough. You are now at a stage where you are ready to define yourself!

So how do you want to define yourself? Who do you want to become? That’s what life is asking of you now, and if you follow your excitement and intuition no matter what anyone else says, you will become a very happy and empowered young man. And very quickly too!

It’s very important that you define a very clear intention for yourself. Again, something that calls you and excites you. When you have a clear positive self-defined direction in your life, you will feel much better. You’ll know where you’re headed, and it will feel magical!

You’re ok kid. Nothing’s wrong with you. Now go out there and become the person you really want to be (because that’s who you actually are)!

Lots of love to you,
Len Sone
certified Life Coach

Question: How can I let go of guilt? I feel quilty about everything. After I talked to people I would think , did I say that right, why did I say that, this goes on and on. What it the best path to stop my inner critic to alway pop out as it is really keeping me back from just livng my life. -Theta

Answer:

Dear “Theta,”

you ask a very good question. Most people have this same problem, although when you look at them, you may think they’re doing a lot better. Some truly are, but at least 80% of the population is full of critical and fearful thoughts about themselves and others. You are not alone!

Nevertheless, you do owe it to yourself to change your thinking. Your Inner Critic always comes from critical parents/family/teachers and you had absorbed their negativisms as a child. So obviously, changing the way you think isn’t going to be quick, because it took years and years, decades even, to get you to think critically. Fortunately, it will take a small fraction of that time to go back to your natural self and a loving outlook.

So, what you need to do is to develop a new loving way of talking to yourself. This new way of thinking and verbalizing will sound FAKE at first. I want you to know that so that you don’t stop practicing it. Once you practice it for a while, it will become second nature.
Considering this is the most important and valuable gift you can give to yourself, it is really worth the effort.

The “real you” totally adores and loves you. The real you (also called your Inner Being in the spiritual circles) would never ever criticize you because it knows that you are a wonderful and valuable person. You are worth as much as anyone else on the planet!

Here are some steps to help you:

1. When you criticize yourself, see if you can determine exactly who this voice comes from. You may even have an image of the person attached to the thought. I often see my mother’s image and I know that my negative thought is something she would say/think about me.

2. Once you determine who is behind a certain thought, figure out if you want to agree with them. Simply make a clear decision, “Yes, I believe they are right.” or “Nope, I choose to think this instead.”
Where most of us stumble is that our parents or teachers were truly convicted that they were right when they criticized us, but that doesn’t mean they were! See, there are many truths. As many as people on this planet. So don’t get caught up in the trap of believing that either they are right and you are wrong, or vice versa. Both people can be right! You don’t need to convince other people to agree with you in order to feel that you are right. This is where most of us go wrong. All we need to do is choose what we want to believe, and not care what anyone else has to say about it. Stay strong in your own chosen beliefs!

3. Choose the thought that feels better to you. For example, which of these two feels better to you, “I said that wrong because the person didn’t agree with me.” OR “Even though that person didn’t agree, I told him/her my truth in the moment and I’m proud of myself for that.”

4. In your alone time, start giving yourself compliments for every little thing you do. Compliment yourself for washing dishes, taking a nice bath, buying a nice blouse, whatever. Compliment yourself especially when you’re feeling down and unsure of yourself. Soothe yourself by telling yourself that you did everything right and that your life is getting better.

5. Think of the most loving angel you can imagine and say to yourself what they would say. Imitation is a great tool for beginners. An angel would tell you that they love you and all that fuzzy warm stuff. As cheesy as it may sound, this is really how all of us should talk to ourselves. This is what LOVE sounds like.

6. Meditate often. This means: sit in a quiet place, and stare at a point on the wall, having as little thought as possible. You can also close your eyes, though for beginners I recommend keeping them open and focused on something. When people close their eyes, they often start thinking! But by keeping them open and focused on something, you eliminate other thoughts more easily.
Although weird at first, meditation has been shown to equalize the right and left hemispheres of the human brain. It teaches those who practice it what peacefulness feels like. Most of us have forgotten or never experienced it because we grew up with impatient and stressed parents in cities full of insanity!
At first these changes will be something you’ll need to consciously think about and you can make it into a fun game. Within months, you will see how your new responses will become more automatic.
However, the tweaking of one’s thoughts is something we deliberate creators never stop working with. Our self-talk can always be even better.

Finally, it will help you to find a professional to support you in this process of changing your self-talk. A life coach (which is what I do) is a great asset. Life coaching isn’t therapy. We do not live in the past, but help our client get to where they want to go self-esteem and goal-wise. You will have to spend some money on this, but I believe it’s worth it because you won’t feel so alone and full of self-doubt.

I hope this has helped you, love!

Question:

Hello,

I really hope you can help me solve this seeming unsolvable problem. Between two friends of mine.

My friend and her ex-boyfriend. Had a break-up five months ago. The reason he broke-up with her, was due to the fact she had friends finding “dirt” on him. There was no dirt to be found, but his girlfriend eventually started asking numerous questions about it, causing way too many unnecessary fights and arguments. Which in turn cause unnecessary stress.

This boy, my friend’s ex-boyfriend, says he cared very much about her. He realized just how much she meant, when things started to go wrong. He tried almost everything to stop the arguments and fights, but due to several others on the sideline telling his girlfriend(my friend), otherwise, things weren’t able to be fixed.  Even as they tried to be friends several times after the breakup, arguments and fights would still happen, they gave up.

Shortly after, a month or two, She moved across country. I don’t believe a real chance was given to being in a relationship or being friends again.

To me it honestly seems he doesn’t want to let her go. As I’m a friend of his ex. I recently just started talking to him, about a month ago, other friends of his ex are talking to him also, trying to convince him to be friends with her again, including me. People continue to ask him questions and try to convince him, all he says is “no, I don’t care, its going to take a lot more to convince me, I’m stubborn it will never happen, if you can break my stubbornness maybe it will happen, etc etc.”. If he doesn’t want to be her friend, and he knows we definitely are going to try and convince him to be her friend again, why doesn’t he just block all of us?

His reasons and answers change from day to day. He has admitted a lot of things. He even realizes he was wrong during the relationship in some spots. He is an extremely stubborn person, he “blocks” his emotions as he says, and also purposely “forgets” things. I know for a fact he wants to be her friend again. Why is he being this way, what can I say or do to get him to realize that he shouldn’t throw away a friendship of four years.

Not too long ago, about a week or two, his ex girlfriend (my friend) was in an accident. Last night I received a phone call from her, she is fine. I had purposely posted an offline message to him, saying “she had died”. I might have been wrong for doing that, but it’s the only way to get this man to open his eyes and release a little bit of his stubbornness. I then signed on a few hours later and I received a message from him right away as I signed on, asking me if it was really true.

Can you make any sense out of this situation? What can I do to help him see, he’s being stupid and him being stubborn isn’t necessary at all? He hints to all of us that he wants to be convinced, why is this?

 
Answer from Len:

My dear Adam* (*name changed to protect questionner’s & his friends’ privacy) ,

you’re not going to like this answer (at first), but try to keep an open mind anyway and read all of it. I promise you it will save you from more trouble in the future.

First & Foremost: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

None of this relationship is any of your business. No one has elected you counsel, and yet here you are talking about it and even trying to “fix” it as if it’s somehow yours. It’s between your friends and they are fully capable of making their own decisions. It’s obvious there was a lack of trust between them before, and as it is said, “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.”

Given your intense interest in this situation, your actions, and even your temporary lie to your friend that his ex has died, I can tell you that you are being controlling and manipulative. You are doing it all under the “innocent” pretense that you care about your friends, but really, this is about YOU and your emotions.

Sweetheart, we all have shadows, and we all need healing. You really need to ask yourself why, instead of thinking about your own life, you are choosing to try to control someone else’s.
Your friend is not the stubborn one and he isn’t the one who can’t deal with his emotions- in fact, YOU ARE! When a person has trouble dealing with their own emotions, they tend to attach to other people’s problems. That’s exactly what you are doing here.

Please look into your own issues. There are many things in your own life that you are not dealing with and should. You are presently using your friends to ignore your own problems. Leave your friends alone because they know what’s best for them and have taken the right actions for them.

In addition, look into your own romantic history or current love life. It’s very likely that you are really projecting your own romantic feelings and regrets onto your friend. It’s even likely that you have a secret crush on one (or both) of your friends, and are too afraid to admit it to yourself, so you try to fix their relationship instead.

This reminds me of a small example of this in the movie “The Wedding Planner”. The character that Jennifer Lopez played had an insightful story about how her former best girlfriend was being a little too helpful and caring with all her (Jen’s) wedding details. Turns out, her girlfriend was in love with Jen’s fiancee!

There is a “selfish” reason why you are so intensely interested in this relationship. That reason may be a different one, but it exists. Find it!

Dig deep and be brave, because this is about you. Your question is all about you. Should you accept my challenge, you will learn something new about yourself and be liberated.

I’m glad you wrote because many people are doing exactly the same thing you are, and they need to read this.

I hope that someday soon, when you have really learned from this and soul-searched, you will share my advice with others.

Kisses,
LEN SONE
certified Life Coach
http://kissesandhearts.com

QUESTION:

Hello, my name is Paola and I’m 19 years old.
Recently I’ve accepted that I have been living my life in a completely wrong way and I can’t change it to the way I want. I hope you can help me! My problem is that I’m TOO COMPLICATED. It makes me suffer because I think over and over things that aren’t worth it. I have a very good life; I like what I study, I love my boyfriend (and he as a person is everything I could wish for), I have a nice family which supports me in every aspect and have hardly any conflicts with them, I have good friends, I like myself, etc. But, although at certain moments I feel absolutely happy with everything I have… most of the time I just forget it! And get lost in silly things. I’m sure I can be more than happy with everything I have, in fact, at times I really am happy (it’s not like I WANT anything else or want changes… I really do like my life) BUT I don’t know why I just can’t feel it. I’m a very sensible person and immediately feel bad about things; I easily get angry, offended, sad, worried. But with happiness it works the other way around, it’s there but I can hardly feel it.  It’s not like I’m being silly or “blocked” because, as you see, I really think about how fortunate I am (and I know I really am!), I even write things down and then read them to help me feel better… and it works sometimes, but it requires an effort. (For example now after writing this I can tell you surely with a smile on my face: I am happy!)   I sometimes think this is because maybe I just think things too much (and I can’t help it), or maybe because I’m just naturally depressive or something like that… I don’t understand. And it’s a problem for me because I’m afraid I might lose people I appreciate (by complicating with little problems) and also sometimes feel unable to demonstrate other people how special they are to me… It would only feel natural to me to do it if they are dying, if they are breaking up with me… in extreme situations (and I know that is SO WRONG of me) So, in conclusion, my question is: How can I really appreciate things in life and learn to be happy about them naturally? (Is this possible?) I know I can work on it, but can it be something natural? I mean, will my immediate reactions someday reflect what I really should feel(for example joy instead of… worry) ?    I’m sorry if this was too long. Thank you very much for reading! Good bye, have a nice day.
Paola.

ANSWER:

Dear Paola,

I appreciate your question and wish I could talk to you in person, because I know I would be able to help you with more precision.

You can absolutely be happy (there is nothing wrong with you at all), but that doesn’t mean settling for the mediocre. It’s wonderful to appreciate the good things in your life and be grateful, but it’s also natural and necessary for each person to want to grow and to fulfill their FULL potential.

The feeling that I am getting Paola is that you are not yet at your full potential, and deep down you know this! You feel guilty for wanting more because all your friends and family think that you should be happy with what you have. Even you are telling yourself that you live a good life and should not want more.

But deep down, you know there are these desires in your heart that you aren’t living yet. There is so much more to you! Life is huge, amazing, magical, and worth exploring! So are you! Maybe you want to travel to far away places and discover new worlds. Maybe you want to live differently than your family and friends. Maybe there is a whole set of talents and abilities in you that you haven’t discovered yet. I think it’s all of the above.

There is no shame in wanting something different or better, even if what you have is by most people’s standards great.  There have been many great men and women in history who gave up everything they had, even though they had cushy lives, because they wanted to discover more of themselves and the world. The result was that, in addition to achieving their full potential, they ended up revolutionizing their societies and evolving the human consciousness.

You have to get out there, into the unknown, to discover what’s calling you. You may not know what you want now, but your heart is telling you that there is more out there for you. Things you’ve never experienced before. This is what pioneers and explorers do. They are usually not satisfied with the ordinary, no matter how good in other people’s eyes.

Paola, I strongly suggest that you allow yourself to feel your negative feelings and allow yourself to want more out of life. Ask the universe to show you what you need to do next and look for signs. Follow your heart. Don’t worry about what others will think of you. They may think you are crazy to make certain changes, but their opinion doesn’t matter at all.

My heart tells me that you are ready for the next level! I think you are one of those special humans who is here to discover new things, and you are bored with your current life. Just admit it and start looking for new adventures. Take classes that call you, read about explorers, make new friends who think outside of the box or who have travelled more extensively to places you’ve never been to. These things will inspire you and challenge you to grow.

“Complicated” is a negative word for “complex”. Being complex implies that you are above average, able to do what others cannot. Paola, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just meant to do great things.

In my own life, when I was in my early twenties, my peers often used to say to me, “you think too much” and “you over-analyze.” The truth was that they just didn’t understand me because I’m a very deep thinker and I can focus for hours and hours on many aspects and layers and possible interpretations of one issue. Most people cannot. I now use this ability in my work with clients, which makes me very VERY good at what I do, so it helps my clients, and it also makes me great money and I love doing it! The same is true for you. Your complexity is your gift! You just need to find a way to use it in a way that excites you.

The world needs you, so don’t keep yourself small.

I’d like to leave you with these two quotes.

“Throw away the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  -MARK TWAIN

“Only those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.” – ROBERT KENNEDY

I wish you great success sweetheart!

Kisses,
Len Sone
certified Life Coach

http://kissesandhearts.com

“Personal coaching with kisses and hearts”

This article was a response to a young woman who wanted some advice on her weight issue, but the principles work for anyone who wants to change their body in any way. Enjoy!

——

You have the absolute ability to create any kind of body you wish. Any kind! It’s supposed to be easy and natural.

Your imagination is key to this work. In order to become something new, you must first visualize it until it becomes so comfortable and easy in your mind that your body simply must follow. Tape that last sentence onto your fridge or notebook, because you’ll need a daily reminder.

Is there a celebrity or a certain person in your life that you think has the perfect body?

In your imagination, see yourself slipping into this perfect body, as if you were inside their body. If it helps, you can ask this person for permission and tell them how grateful you are that they will be helping you. The truth is, you haven’t been inside a slim body for a long time, maybe never, so you really need help in imagining what that feels like. In this sense, slim people will soon become your new best friends because they are the ones who know what it feels like to be slim! So stop being resentful of them and start seeing them as helpful and wise friends on your path to beauty and happiness.

Once inside this body, see how you would stand, walk, move your arms, talk and handle yourself. Relax and don’t try to force anything; simply observe what insights come to you. Each day new insights will come, and you will feel more and more comfortable in this new body. As time goes by, you may want to make changes to this body or choose a new one to fit your own ideal. Be as unlimited as possible. Let your imagination roam free, knowing that you are shape-shifting into your ideal self.

Keep affirming that you are light, and practice being light even in your current body, almost as if you are floating through space.

As for physical action, don’t worry about what to do. Eat anything that feels good to you, and if you ever feel inspired to try something new, do it. But only if it feels really good to you. Don’t do anything just because you think you need to do it to get slim. Chances are that you will at some point feel suddenly more attracted to natural foods and some type of fun exercise that’s perfect for your body/personality, but let this happen naturally. Affirm that you trust your body and that your body will tell you what you need.

The only thing I will recommend is that you drink a lot of water. And I mean a LOT. That goes for everyone who wants their body to be healthy. Water is actually necessary for transformation (mental, emotional, and physical) so drink lots and lots of water. Also breathe deeply. Water and breathing are the only two essentials as far as “food” goes.

Remember, visualize yourself in a slim and beautiful body every day. Create happy fantasies of what your life will be like once you are slim. Perhaps your family being so proud of you, or guys/gals checking you out and thinking you’re GORGEOUS!

Have fun with this because creation is meant to be fun. Don’t give up. Your new body already exists and it is waiting for you to become a vibrational match to it!

The chances are, you are looking for a job, but every time you look at job offers on Craigslist.com or Monster.com, you feel nauseated because nothing fits you and most jobs you wouldn’t ever want to do. Then there are those jobs you just might be ok in, but they ask for requirements you don’t have.

ARRRGHHHHH!!! You think “Where are all the fun easy jobs?”

Here is LIFE LESSON #1: You have to create your own job and your own career, otherwise you’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s job offers that are never perfectly suited for you.

Frankly, the new energy demands it. Although the old world jobs still exist, they won’t for long. Trust me, all the fun easy jobs are the ones people created for themselves. Think of Walt Disney! And now all of humanity benefits from his courage and creativity.

And yes, it’s scary going out on your own, building your own perfect career, and then promoting yourself. Then again, even when applying for jobs, you have to promote yourself with your resume (a silly little paper which doesn’t say anything about you- not really).

Start living in the 21st century folks! This means that humanity can benefit from you only when you’re happy, but your job happiness is your responsibility. Please do not wait for someone else to do it for you.

“But how about money?” you ask. I’ll tell you! In the beginning, you may temporarily need to accept some silly Craiglist job in order to survive. But while you’re surviving, don’t judge your self-worth based on THAT job. Start creating your perfect career, and time will come when that will make you enough money.

LIFE LESSON #2: Do what you love and the money will come!

It will. You may not be able to control how quickly because there will be a lot to learn, but every step of the way, you will have the satisfaction of building something GENUINE.

Remember that story about 3 little pigs? What do you think the moral of the story was? Well, the moral was that when you build your house out of weak material, it will be destroyed. But when you build your house out of strong material, it will keep.

From an energetic viewpoint, “weak” material is something your heart is not into. “Strong” material is, of course, something that you genuinely love.

Ask yourself these questions about your current job or past jobs:

- Was I completely happy there?
- Was I completely free to express myself?
- Did I enjoy my schedule?
- Did I enjoy my environment?
- Did I love the people I worked with?

If the answers are NO to all or most questions, your job isn’t aligned with YOU. And because you are a dynamic being who is always changing, the only way to make sure your job changes with you is to create your own job.

To start creating your perfect career, you might want to take my free 3-week “Find Your Passion” e-class, or contact me for individual success coaching.

Wishing you Success!
LEN

PS. If you need extra cash on your way to your perfect career, you may want to earn it promoting KISSES&HEARTS. Contact me for details. =)

- feeling unworthy

- not feeling a part of global community

- not feeling appreciated/loved

- fear of failure and success (these are really the same thing)

- perfectionistic attitutes

- fear of changes in others, for example that your friends will be jealous and start talking behind your back, and/OR that they will expect you to share your newfound fortune with them

- fear of losing it all

- belief that you lack certain skills and talents, which you also believe are necessary for financial success

- Fear that people who give you money will own you and exploit you

- Fear of partnerships because someone else might take credit for your work

- Fear of getting used to a better lifestyle and then not being able to continue supporting it

- Belief that there always has to be an exchange between things you give and things you get, and that you have to give a lot to get a lot

- Belief that people don’t want to help you or see you doing well, because people are stingy and always want to bring you down to their level

- Fear of confict

- Fear of being seen and of being criticized

- Fear of people expecting you to continue living up to your newfound success or committing to certain decisions/actions

- Fear of losing your freedom, ie. gaining all kinds of new obligations

 
One of the ways to find out what’s stopping you is to ask yourself what kind of a person you think makes lots of money? What talents and skills do you believe they have? Then, think about whether you fit that profile. Here are some examples:

- confidence with people

- talks easily with people

- has a big network

- charismatic

- easy-going

- great verbal skills

- not afraid to make propositions and represent herself/himself

- action-oriented

- lots of energy

- enthusiasm

- great leader

- knows how to handle conflict

- not bothered by criticism

- assertive, self-assured

- has had great mentors who were financially successful

- had a loving childhood

- determination

- works a lot every day

- visionary

- genius

- has unique creative ideas

- is loving and selfless

- good-listener

- has great recommendations

You can learn what to do with all this in the Create Wealth Class (Sign up by emailing me. It costs $480).