There are teachers and then there are true gurus (who never call themselves that though). One of my favorite gurus is Byron Katie, who developed “The Work,” a method of questioning negative thoughts. It is quite a wonderful tool to have at your disposal, and much better than any cognitive therapy (sorry psychologists, but that’s my honest opinion!). You can read more about her “Work” at her website, thework.com

But let’s get our feet wet and see how it works. Below is an example of how someone may answer with complete honesty. This is why it’s good to do this at home by yourself.

THOUGHT: Everyone makes friends easily but me!

1. Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Well no. There may be others who have a hard time making friends just like me.

2. Who are you when you think this thought?

When I think this thought I feel so angry!!! I see in my mind these other people laughing with others, having a good time, and me being the one no one particularly likes or wants to talk to. And it makes me so sad for myself and mad at them. I hate them and resent them. I just want to run away and lick my wounds. I feel like they don’t want me there and it’s best for everyone that I leave.

3. Who would you be if you didn’t believe this thought?

I would feel so much more socially capable. Normal somehow. I would just mingle with others feeling like one of them, not worse or weird or special. I can see myself being with other people for much longer, not making that rash decision after 5 minutes that they don’t like me if they don’t show attention or affection. And I’d know that not everything is about me. Maybe they are having a bad day, or maybe they are shy around new people, or maybe they are not sure what to say since I didn’t tell them anything they can respond to. Ahh I feel so much freer when I don’t believe this thought. I like other people so much more. They don’t feel oppressive to me anymore.

4. Turn-arounds!

(T1) Not everyone makes friends easily just like me.

I. Yup! I can see that. There are many shy people out there or people who just aren’t good in social circumstances. And maybe that’s actually the majority. I think the people in my mind’s eyes are the big extroverts.

II. I see other people on Twitter everyday who are asking others to RP with them and no one will.

III. Seeing others talk doesn’t mean they are making close friends or even like each other.

(T2) Everyone makes friends easily including me.

I. I am just as valuable as others so I am just as worthy of friendship.

II. There have been a few situations where the other person really liked me a lot and wanted to be closer than I wanted.

III. When I’m feeling happy and secure, I can be quite charming and outspoken.

 

Once you do this exercise for yourself and answer all questions honestly, you will feel a lessening of the negative energy. Sometimes it leaves completely, sometimes it remains but in a smaller dose, and sometimes you think nothing changed and then discover within a few days that it helped.

I strongly recommend you purchase one of Byron Katie’s brilliant books. One of my favorites is “Loving What Is.” Do The Work! If you feel you want additional guidance and support, I am here. Book a session and I would be happy to help you!

Love,