Kisses & Hearts ~ Life Coaching for Young Women

 By now you probably know that when negative thoughts come up, you need to switch to thinking about what you desire and how you want to be feeling. You probably have heard about Visualization. Good! Visualization is a wonderful tool, but as a beginner, how the heck do you begin and what are some common pitfalls? This article will give you some great suggestions and put your mind at ease. And of course, if you still have questions, send me an email! Let’s get started!

What I like to do in this situation is to talk myself through it and imagine whatever I can. Just one or two pictures (scenes) are best. There is no need to try to imagine every aspect of your new life because it only takes one good scene to represent to you your ideal life. (Later in the article we’ll see some suggestions.)

I always start with the very general essence of how I want to feel, “I want to be happy. I want to feel good about my life. I want to feel fulfilled,” and I imagine myself laughing. I still can’t feel that feeling, mind you, but at least in my mind’s eye things are starting to look good. I see myself laughing. I see myself as happy. And that starts to shift my vibration, meaning, I feel better.

The more you do this and the more often, your vibration will shift up and up and up. Soon that fantasy starts coming into your life. For me, I start to feel like smiling more often. Then there are more things to laugh about. Opportunities that make my life even better start coming in.

That first visualization is the hardest because you aren’t used to doing it. Usually we worry that we’ll feel even worse afterwards, but I’m here to tell you that that just isn’t true when you actually start visualizing having what you want to have. It’s different when people think of things and feelings they want without really imagining having them. Then it’s painful because it’s like they’re looking over the fence and seeing what someone else has, not them. But when you visualize actually living your ideal life, you’ll see how it makes you feel good. Visualizing living something in your own skin is what makes all the difference.

There is no way you can fail if you keep doing this!

Here are five suggestions to get you started and then the common mistakes to avoid.

SCENES:

1. You are driving your gorgeous new car. You feel so free, so happy. People in other cars see you and smile, admiring your car.

2. You are laughing and the sun is shining down on you. You feel so fulfilled, your life is so perfect. (my favorite)

3. You are the boss of your own company. You walk down the aisle and your employees are perfectly carrying out their duties. You feel incredibly proud of what you’ve created.

4. You log into your checking account and you see $500,000 (or some other amount that’s meaningful to you). You feel so happy and safe and proud.

5. You are snuggling with your honey in bed, watching a new movie you both like and eating yummy pizza. Things couldn’t be more perfect.

As you can see, there are many many perfect scenes. Your mind will come up with what is currently perfect to you. As time goes by, your imaginings will change and your reality will mirror the happiness you imagined.

Some common mistakes

1. Visualizing a fixed version of a situation gone wrong

Please don’t do this. Back up from the situation you want to fix and visualize a scene where you’re truly happy that isn’t connected to the problem. Example: if you’re having major heartbreak over your ex, don’t visualize having the perfect relationship. That will be too hard and you will be likely to visualize the same person you’re currently attached to. This drags current reality into your fantasy and spoils it all.
Let that go, knowing that you will be moving toward your ideal life, and that everything that fits will stay and that those things that don’t fit will be replaced with something better.

2. Forcing yourself to visualize many details

Absolutely not necessary. As I’ve already written, I just imagine laughing and being happy in the sun. Remember the KISS rule: Keep it simple stupid. There are details that are fun to add, perhaps drinking a piña colada, but they will come to you easily and will make you chuckle. One of my clients discovered she loved wearing “Audrey Hepburn” hats in her scenes, which made her feel elegant and chic, and perfectly described her tastes.

3. Your scene is no longer feeling ideal

Excellent! This means you have grown and it’s time to imagine a different scene. Choose whatever is easy and feels good. Sometimes it takes a few mental tries before coming up with a scene you love. Play with it and keep molding it. That’s what imagination is for.

4. Not keeping this up

Comment: For the purpose of this article I will be using the pronoun “she,” but if your friend is a male, pretend you see “he”.]

She said she would call and doesn’t. The cycle keeps repeating until you realize it has become one-sided. You’re always the one initiating contact. You’re upset because you used to think you were good friends, or maybe you were just beginning to see this person as a possible new best friend.

Honestly, it happens to the best of us. A LOT! People nowadays just are more fragmented, more portable, and busier. We’re all more dynamic than ever. This means that more and more relationships are forming and then ending after just a few meetings, even though there was a brilliant spark in the beginning. We meet to exchange some information with each other and then our ways separate.
The main thing to remember is that this is all very normal. Don’t start seeing yourself as unlikable or unworthy. Know that you are absolutely worthy of wonderful lasting friendships.

Next, give your friend lots of space. Stop initiating and see if she picks up the slack. Sometimes she won’t and sometimes she will. If she doesn’t, it’s good you found out sooner and not later. No one needs a friend who will never call. Hope for the best though. Always assume the best without panic. Maybe she is just busy and dealing with her own demanding issues. Once she does get in touch, you will have lots of new stimulating things to talk about.

Lastly, get more friends if you feel lonely. I know, I know it’s easier said that done, but it’s worth making the effort. My suggestion is always to do this by following what you are already passionate or curious about. For example, if you are interested in screenwriting, check out those kinds of seminars and clubs, online and offline. Even if you don’t befriend a single soul, you’ll still learn something and enjoy yourself.

Finally, check in with yourself about your current belief systems because they might need to be updated. Here are some examples:

NEGATIVE: Another one bites the dust. What’s wrong with me?
UPDATED: I am fantastic and I totally deserve awesome friends!

NEGATIVE: It’s so hard to make friends.
UPDATED: It’s easy making new friends and it’s so much fun!

NEGATIVE: I attract flaky people.
UPDATED: I attract wonderful people who are reliable.

NEGATIVE: I’ll be so sad if I lose her as a friend.
UPDATED: Losing her as a friend is not a big deal. I will wish her all the best and know I am about to meet an even better friend.

Hope that helps!

However, being trained in “energy management,” I knew I had to relax and soften up. So I looked up and focused on other things in my room, which helped me zoom out of the computer world. I focused on my breathing. I started to feel better. I decided to proceed with coding but very slowly this time. Slowly things picked up. When I found a solution, I let go of making my layout perfect. “There’s so much more to my life than this website,” I remembered. I wasn’t exhilarated but I found relief. More relief came when I made some changes to my scrollbar and font, which I had been planning to do even before. Suddenly, positive thoughts came to my mind about how I accomplished a lot this day as I thought about my article layout and the website icon that I figured out how to make. I was quickly getting back to normal. Soon enough, the bad feelings faded, the site was restored, and it actually looked ok on both browsers. I was content!

I’ve been reading your articles and I’m wondering what you would do if you had the bad weather blues. I live in PA and it’s always cold out here.
- Melissa (Mella) B.
Dear Mella,

If I was you, I would move back to my beloved California! Hehe. Now of course if you truly love living there and have no desire to move, read on. But I still want you to examine the idea of moving. Often people don’t move because they worry they can’t handle it. Often they haven’t even been to many other places. Don’t get stuck living somewhere you’re not happy. If you feel another place or climate calling you, start packing! If I could move to Hawaii all alone and with virtually no money, no job, no friends, you can move there or anywhere else too.

Speaking of Hawaii, I used to have a friend there who previously lived in New York and had all kinds of health problems. She made the bold choice of moving to Hawaii and voila, most of her discomfort went away. My point being, people don’t realize how much their body and soul might be asking for a different climate. Only you can tell so be honest with yourself.

Next: Really examine the blues. You’ll often find that it’s really more about having nothing to do that excites you than it is about crummy weather. How do I know? Because I get the blues even here in California sometimes! When you are passionate about things you’re doing, you pay less attention to the weather. Sometimes cold weather is actually perfect. Like when you’re snuggling with someone and watching movies all day: a cold rainy day makes it cozy. You really need to ask yourself a lot of questions about just how miserable you are and why. Get to the core of the issue. Is it really the cold or is it the lack of excitement?

My most important advice is this: Travel often. People tend to think of travel and holidays as a frivolous luxury, but I couldn’t disagree more. I think that frequent travel keeps the doctor and depression away. You just can’t replace the experience of leaving the same-old-same-old behind and discovering yourself in a new way, expanding through new places and cultures, and different ways of living and thinking. It gets you out of ruts you didn’t even know you were in. I’m not kidding. TRAVEL, TRAVEL, TRAVEL. Then travel some more!

Of course, you may say, “but Len, travel takes time and money” especially if you’re like me and want the queen’s treatment. But so what? There is nothing that you can’t do. If you start visualizing your perfect holiday, it will come. The universe knows how to make it all work by giving you time off from work, a free trip, your boss sending you to a beautiful location, or whichever path is the path of least resistance.

You just have to quit whining and get excited about creating a new experience.

I also highly recommend renting movies where people travel to gorgeous locales. Some of my favorites are Only You (Venice ‘n Rome) , The Holiday (UK cottage and glamorous LA mansion) , and Fool’s Gold (Australia- at sea).

Prepare for the departure. Bon Voyage!