This beautiful yellow rose was photographed by me on the San Jose State University campus. There is so much beauty in this world!

There are teachers and then there are true gurus (who never call themselves that though). One of my favorite gurus is Byron Katie, who developed “The Work,” a method of questioning negative thoughts. It is quite a wonderful tool to have at your disposal, and much better than any cognitive therapy (sorry psychologists, but that’s my honest opinion!). You can read more about her “Work” at her website, thework.com

But let’s get our feet wet and see how it works. Below is an example of how someone may answer with complete honesty. This is why it’s good to do this at home by yourself.

THOUGHT: Everyone makes friends easily but me!

1. Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Well no. There may be others who have a hard time making friends just like me.

2. Who are you when you think this thought?

When I think this thought I feel so angry!!! I see in my mind these other people laughing with others, having a good time, and me being the one no one particularly likes or wants to talk to. And it makes me so sad for myself and mad at them. I hate them and resent them. I just want to run away and lick my wounds. I feel like they don’t want me there and it’s best for everyone that I leave.

3. Who would you be if you didn’t believe this thought?

I would feel so much more socially capable. Normal somehow. I would just mingle with others feeling like one of them, not worse or weird or special. I can see myself being with other people for much longer, not making that rash decision after 5 minutes that they don’t like me if they don’t show attention or affection. And I’d know that not everything is about me. Maybe they are having a bad day, or maybe they are shy around new people, or maybe they are not sure what to say since I didn’t tell them anything they can respond to. Ahh I feel so much freer when I don’t believe this thought. I like other people so much more. They don’t feel oppressive to me anymore.

4. Turn-arounds!

(T1) Not everyone makes friends easily just like me.

I. Yup! I can see that. There are many shy people out there or people who just aren’t good in social circumstances. And maybe that’s actually the majority. I think the people in my mind’s eyes are the big extroverts.

II. I see other people on Twitter everyday who are asking others to RP with them and no one will.

III. Seeing others talk doesn’t mean they are making close friends or even like each other.

(T2) Everyone makes friends easily including me.

I. I am just as valuable as others so I am just as worthy of friendship.

II. There have been a few situations where the other person really liked me a lot and wanted to be closer than I wanted.

III. When I’m feeling happy and secure, I can be quite charming and outspoken.

Once you do this exercise for yourself and answer all questions honestly, you will feel a lessening of the negative energy. Sometimes it leaves completely, sometimes it remains but in a smaller dose, and sometimes you think nothing changed and then discover within a few days that it helped.

I strongly recommend you purchase one of Byron Katie’s brilliant books. One of my favorites is “Loving What Is.” Do The Work! If you feel you want additional guidance and support, I am here. Book a session and I would be happy to help you!

Love,

First of all, I hope you all are doing great! K&H has a new header and the top menu has slightly changed! Now there is a booking page which contains info on booking a session with me AND … the lowest prices on sessions yet! I hope this change encourages more of you to seek my help.

As for 2012:

No… 2012 is not the end of the world, but it is definitely a gateway of sorts into a new era of humanity! Truly exciting time to be alive!

No doubt, 2012 will start off using 2011′s blood. 2011 was one of those amazing big-ups-and-downs years. Love won, love lost, hard lessons learned. Some of those lessons may even be hard to piece together and understand. It was a rollercoaster of a year, that’s for sure.

But much good will come out of all of this. Of that I am sure.

So keep on trucking happily, my hearts. Our journey has just begun!

This I promise you:

2012 will be JUICY, DIFFERENT, and DEEPLY FULFILLING!

As always, I hope to get a chance to coach many of you reading this. I want to be a part of making your 2012 the best year yet! (Which it should be).

Love, LEN

The new book “101 Ways to Enhance Your Career” is now on Amazon! The book is a collaborative work featuring 101 writers. My Chapter is actually the very last one (#101)! 

It is thrilling to see my work in print. The chapter I wrote is advice for young women and it’s titled “Be Dumb, Be Fickle, Be Superficial”.

Here is the Amazon link: 101 Ways to Enhance Your Career

Work your Magic! - Len Sone's Kisses & Hearts Coaching

In 2011 be sure to work your magic! You have many talents and this is the year to make your dreams come true.

My coaching program can help you do that and much more. Looking forward to coaching you and helping you find your spirit!

<3 Len

The following question has been asked by someone via email:

Question: I want to become a certified Life Coach through your training program!

Answer:

Kisses&Hearts Coaching is not a certification program or school for becoming a life coach. I coach young women 1-on-1 and help them accomplish whatever goal they may have. Of course that goal may very well be to become a life coach, though so far my clients have all been interested in different career paths. However, K&H is branching out and it’s very possible that I will create exactly what you are interested in, a certification program for becoming a life coach, at some point. Not anytime soon though, sorry! (Unless I get hundreds of emails from young women begging me to create it and thus it becomes my priority!)

Meanwhile, there are many other certification programs. Googling is really the best way to find and compare them. They usually cost $800-$3,000. I want to point out that none of them are necessary (you don’t need a certification to be a life coach) and also none of them will provide you with your own clients, which is the hardest part of this profession. A good certification program will provide you with some coaching tools to use when you are working with clients, and some practice (this is usually done by pairing up members and letting them practice coaching each other). A good certification program should also help you come up with your own niche (i.e. what kind of clients do you want to work with?) and your own pricing.

The coaching certification programs might provide you with some general ideas about how to get clients, (to be honest, these ideas are things any average person would come up with). So getting clients is something that will be completely your responsibility as a self-employed entrepreneur. Most life coaches are like struggling actors. Just like even the best acting schools can only give you some skills but can’t give you a talent or a successful career, it’s the same with coaching certification programs. I want to make that point very clear because most people thinking about getting into coaching think it’s an easy path to money and clients or their own self-realization. They think they just need to get their certification and they will have arrived. Not even close! A certification is more like the starting point.

For this reason, if you do decide to do a certification program, figure out what you really want to get out of coaching and whether you have the passion to stay with it and find your own niche and clients. Life coaching can be an amazing career for those of us who are wise, brilliant, dedicated, and have found our own voice, but it is definitely NOT a quick path to money and clients.

For those of you reading this and who are interested in a K&H certification program, you can always shoot me an email. If I was to create such a  thing, it would be a huge undertaking. I’d have to write lesson plans, do group web seminars, provide 1-on-1 phone coaching, etc etc, and it would probably be priced  @ $800.

Kisses,

Len@KissesAndHearts.com

First off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone! Halloween is all about scary things, so I’d like to discuss one truly scary topic: being passive-aggressive!! Scared yet?

People often ask what the term even means, and how  they can know if they are exhibiting such behavior. Read on to find out my take on this monster ….

Passive-aggressive means that you first do something passive and then you do something aggressive.

In other words, first you do something you don’t want to do, then you do something hostile.

Let me give you an easy example first.

Your friend tells you to wash her dishes. If you wash the dishes even though you feel this was an unjust demand, and then later blow up at her for telling you to do it, your action is passive-aggressive.

A much better strategy is to neither be passive (you don’t wash her dishes in the first place) nor aggressive ( you don’t blow up at her).

It would be best for you to simply ask your friend right away why she expects you to wash her dishes. Then based on the response, you can decide whether you want to do it or not. You can say “No thank you”. Your friend may have miscommunicated and her request may make more sense, or you may realize your friend really wants to treat you badly and in that case, explain to her how you’d like to be treated! If she still treats you badly, stop being her friend.

Another point I want to make is that the aggressive part is sometimes more sneaky. An example would be you sleeping with your friend’s boyfriend instead of yelling at her. This is simply a much more extreme and unhealthy case of being passive-aggressive.
(Side note: when girls sleep with their friend’s boyfriend, it’s often because they feel inferior to the girlfriend in some way and really want to feel on equal footing.)

The “passive” part can also be more complex. An example of doing something you don’t want to do can be something like not getting enough hugs from your lover. The aggressive response would be to start pointless fights and be constantly critical. A much better approach would be to just tell him/her what you want and why, “I love cuddling with you! It makes me feel so loved. *open arms asking for a hug*”. Which girlfriend would you rather hug? Haha. Just say what you want! [By the way, this is an example from my own life, so you see I'm not without past blunders!]

Most people (both men and women) are passive-aggressive to some extent. They are afraid to say No, they keep disrespecting themselves, but then they find some way to get back at the other person and themselves.
The problem with this is that most of the time their interpretation was off anyway because the other person didn’t mean to hurt them. We tend to think others see us the way we see ourselves. And in extreme cases where the other person was intentionally hurtful, the conflict is calmer and shorter when dealt with the direct approach. Anger is actually not necessary since we can just contently decide to leave due to an incompatibility. (Although this is a topic for a lengthier discussion.)

Lastly I want to say that we have all been passive-aggressive at some point. We learn this strategy from our parents, other family members, peers and even teachers. Generally speaking, no one sits us down and gently says, “Ok hun, I am going to show you a better way to get what you want”.

Just examine your life for this pattern and see if you can be more aware and direct from now on. You’ll see your relationships becoming easier, lighter, and generally of better quality.

Kisses,

Len Sone

Terri Yeh

WINNER: Terri Yeh

AGE: 20

LOCATION: Berkeley, CA

OCCUPATION: College student

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO BE IN 5 YEARS? Travel and work in Europe

SOME ISSUES: Not passionate about her major, relationship problems, fitting in vs. not, self-esteem

August is a special month for me because of my birthday. I thought it would be exciting to offer one special girl an opportunity to have one month of free coaching with me. If this sounds exciting to you, you must email me telling me about yourself, why you should win and why you need/want to be coached. I’d like to know what issues you’d like to work on. Also include at least one picture of yourself. At the end of August I will select the winner and will personally work with this person in September!

I will probably narrow the selection down to 2 or 3 girls, and have a little phone interview with them to see who should win.

The winner will get 4 sessions (one every week) and unlimited email support during their free month.

REQUIREMENTS:

* you must be a female 18-25 years old

* you must have never worked with me before

* you must be available in September

* you must have a strong desire to work on your personal development

* you must be happy to promote K&H Coaching (by telling your friends and on your social networks)

* you should be comfortable sharing your story because your experience may be featured on this website!

Len’s email: Len@KissesAndHearts.com

Looking forward to reading all your emails!